Friday, May 8, 2009

Nothing Special

For the life of me I can't remember if I've mentioned that I'm speaking at a women's retreat in September. So, if I haven't mentioned it, I'm speaking at a retreat in September. If I have mentioned it, you should probably know that I'm starting to get a little preoccupied by the looming date. You know, four and a half months away. I mean goodness, it's practically tomorrow.

This always happens to me when I have something really important in several months. There's the I Have A Play In Three Months Nightmare. It occurs somewhere during the first week of rehearsal. In the dream it is opening night. I don't know my lines and am frantically trying to scribble them on my arms and legs. Generally my costume is either way too big or built for a kindergartner. And, inevitably, some major character is missing and I'm expected to just sort of wing it, without him. There was also the I'm Giving Birth In Sixth Months So I Should Probably Consume Myself With Figuring Out How It's Done pep talk I gave myself for my last two trimesters.


My husband, who prepares a 45 minute sermon every week, thinks I'm a loon. He generally thinks that if I start really working on the retreat in August I'll be good. This is because he's crazy. If I waited until August I'd be fine except that I'd wish I'd started in April. So, not to procrastinate, I have one talk about 90% completed. I have another one about 20% done. I want to be ready. You know, in case the rapture happens and I have to switch my venue to heaven. I'm assuming we won't use computers or index cards in heaven and I'll need to have it all committed to memory. Although I hardly doubt that, what with being in the presence of God, we'll need retreat talks.

I also keep waiting for the church to rescind their offer on account of the fact that they'll come to realize I don't actually know anything. I'm just a 27 year old drama queen who has perfected the art of changing a diaper without getting sprayed in the face. Sure I can recite the 66 books of the Bible in one breath and turn my feet around backward but I mean, can't everyone? I am very certainly nothing special as is evidenced by my son's knowledge. Today, when I asked him what mommy's job is he replied, "To clean the house." Touche.

So, in September I plan to stand in front of a bunch of women and say, simply, "I have no idea why I'm here. I just clean the house. Wanna hear me say all the books of the Bible in one breath?"


  1. That would be a great opening. You should keep it. J

  2. Your going to do great, We are so LUCKY to have you speak. And I hear that Lori S will be speaking at your retreat. AWESOME!!

  3. I think you should stand with your feet backwards and recite the books of the bible in one breath and then tell us that you have no idea why you're here. You are soooooo funny. Can't wait.

  4. to answer your question, no, not everyone has those skills. have i ever told you i still remember the first time i saw you turn your feet backwards? i think we were in 5th grade. definitely my first memory of you...we weren't even friends back in those days. :)

  5. You should totally say that! It's hilarious.

  6. make sure you show them your feet thing, that's really your gift. you're going to be great. oh, and the boys think that my job is napping and blogging, when they pray, they pray for dad while he's working and being productive and me while i'm napping and blogging...whatever.

  7. Ummm, I've never seen this foot trick of yours. I think we'll have to mark that on the agenda for whenever I see you next. Or you could always take a picture of it. Either way.

    And I've had "nightmares" about something going wrong at the wedding for the past seven months, including one this morning where I had straightened my hair (then realized it couldn't be curled or done at all), forgot to have my hair dresser show up, and was running around in my underskirt and bra while all the guests were already there.

  8. Is your mom going to this retreat?
    I should go, to you know, support you.
    Frankly, I think you should clean WHILE turning your feet around AND reciting the 66 books...yep, now that's some serious skills right there. :)

    You are brilliant, you write so well, and you have a lot to say...pray for the right path and it will all be good.

  9. I have to say you're missing the two biggest talents:
    #1.Writing hilarious blogs that people from all over the country check from their desks when they should be working, and
    #2.Being a Mommy and a wife. I know plenty of ppl who have given up on either or both of those pursuits.