My Aching Back (ish area)

About a week ago, I started to feel my sciatic nerve. By feel I mean that I became acutely aware of the pain it was sending into my right buttock. I slept with the heating pad. I attempted different stances when I lifted the baby or held The Rock Star up while he used the potty. I continued swimming thinking I'd eventually work it out. By yesterday it was barely hurting at all. I knew I was on the mend.

Then I woke up this morning. Something happened. Something bad. Something that makes me feel like I'm 82 years old. I don't know what I did to reaggravate it but I know that I could barely sit down in church today. It hurts to lift my youngest child. Picking up the eldest is out of the question. So I was just searching the Internet for any helpful information I might find on "How to Speedily Heal an Aching Sciatic Nerve."

Here's what I found:

Step 1
Visit your family doctor or orthopedic surgeon. An orthopedic surgeon? It seems a little premature for that. As for my doctor, well, I'm not entirely sure what he'd do about it. It's a stinking nerve, right? I assume he'd probably prescribe a lot of the following:


Step 2
Take aspirin or ibuprofen to relieve discomfort. Taking two aspirin every day, even when you aren't suffering with sciatic pain, can help prevent pain from recurring. Okay, so first of all, duh. But second of all, I don't know that I've ever taken aspirin. Seriously. I couldn't take it as a kid, obviously, and when I was old enough to actually consume aspirin I was so afraid of why I wasn't allowed to take it as a kid that I just never did. Really. And I'm 27 now and I can't think of a time that I took aspirin. This is a tangent. Forgive me. As for ibuprofen, I took some this morning, in church, while someone else was holding my baby because I was starting to slowly die of butt pain. But if you know me at all you know that I shy away from personally using pain killers because I'm afraid I'll get immune to them. No worries, I'll use them on my kids in an instant if they show signs of discomfort but myself--I'm just paranoid of developing Advil immunity.

Step 3
Place at least one pillow under your knees when you lie down. This helps relieve pressure that the disk is putting on your sciatic nerve. This seems like helpful information. I'll be trying this tonight.


Step 4
Rest on a firm mattress or on the floor when sciatic pain is severe. Stay in bed, getting up only when absolutely necessary, for 3 days. Can you hear me laughing hysterically? Nevermind the fact that I have a son who is nearing three and comes up with the most wild ideas not limited to filling his penguin backpack with soap and water so that he could make a portable bathtub. Nevermind that he did that in the amount of time it took me to pull some weeds in the garden. What about the almost three month old? What should I do with him while I'm lying in bed for three days? He's fat enough, should I let him live off of his leg roll reserves? Sure, my house will be a war zone and my second born will be malnourished, but my tooshie won't hurt anymore.

Step 5
Ask for help to get out of bed or into the bath or shower so you don't strain your back while getting up and down. "Come here, Garrett." Yes, mommy? "I'm going to need you to pick me up. That's right. Just, um, just, well. Let's see. What do you mean you're too little? You're my best option, kid. Daddy's at work and Mommy has to go potty."


Step 6
Apply hot or cold packs to your back and upper legs. Sometimes ice will work better than heat; at other times, a heating pad will do a better job of relieving pain. Try both to see which one is more effective for you. I'll try the ice. I haven't tried that yet. But seriously, is this all you've got? I need a quicker fix.

Step 7
Don't lift anything. Hilarious. Matthew, I am so sorry. I know you're crying. I know you've been lying in the same spot since last night but the silly website told me, specifically, not to lift you.


Step 8
Don't bend or sit in soft chairs. Don't bend. What?

Step 9
Ask your doctor for prescription pain relievers if severe sciatic pain continues. I don't want a pain reliever, I want it fixed. A pain reliever is the reason I have a bum shoulder that still hurts when I swim despite the fact that I injured it like a billion years ago. I want something that will heal my back/butt not just make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.


Step 10
Eat a diet rich in fiber, fruits and vegetables to prevent constipation. Straining to defecate irritates the sciatic nerve. Um, good to know. Thanks. Thanks for that interesting tidbit of information. Also, it should be pointed out that there are some things I think I might have been able to figure out for myself. This is probably one of them.

So, in conclusion, this site was not helpful at all. I mean, maybe if I was a housewife who had a butler and a maid and no children but given my current state in life, laying in bed for three days while not lifting anything, popping pills and eating a diet rich in fiber (which, incidentally, might make it difficult to stay permanently in bed) it's darn near impossible. I think I'm going back to the Internet to look for something a little more useful.