Monday, May 4, 2009

No Daughter, No Problem

I always wanted a daughter. When I was little I dreamed of having a tiny girl that I could dress in frills and lace. We'd have tea parties together and spend endless hours playing Barbies. When she was old enough, she'd take to the stage and I'd have so much fun helping her with her makeup. As she got older, we'd lay in bed together and whisper about boys and dances and what she wanted to be when she grew up. I'd worry about her meeting the wrong boy and then I'd worry about her meeting the right boy and, eventually, she would. We'd spend long, wonderful, hours planning her wedding. I'd wear a mother of the bride dress that made me look rail thin because, let's face it, in our dreams we never gain any weight. Then, after several years, she'd give birth to my first grandchild, a girl, and we'd start the dreaming all over again, together.

By the time I got pregnant with Garrett, I couldn't have cared less if he was a boy or a girl. I was so happy that he simply was. Well, Garrett is not that little girl I wanted when I was growing up. Neither is Matthew. And I couldn't be more content. Well, I mean, I could be, I guess. Like, maybe, if all these legal shenanigans were over. But I couldn't be more content with the fact that they're boys. I have no idea how I'll feel if we lose Matthew. The world, I imagine, will be a much different place. If we keep him, though, I think I'm done. I know he's very little and our life is very stressful and I have a husband who gets to weigh in and I certainly reserve the right to change my mind. But for now. For now this is perfect. For now I believe that God wants me to have two boys and I am so content and so, well, happy, that anything else would seem superfluous.

Plus, as I've said before, our children seem to get more dramatic each time. If we chose to have a third I think one of us might spontaneously combust or something. And I just reread that sentence and cracked up at the words chose to have. Yeah...hilarious...that'll be the day. Truthfully though, I don't know that I can handle the drama of trying to have or get another child.

If we're finished, I will miss the idea of tea parties and ruffles and endless pink. But I will know, always, that God gave me just exactly what he wanted me to have. In fact, if we lose Matthew, I think I'd want another try to recapture this ever unfolding perfection.

I'm sitting on the couch. I can see little beige Vans, a stinky pair of socks, a Little People School Bus covered in grass, a bouncer seat and a tennis ball the dog brought in after Garrett finished throwing it for him. (Yes, I know, I need to get off my blogging behind and clean my house). I love it. I love dirty boys and watching sports and camp outs. I know my boys won't want me in their beds when they are fifteen. They won't want my opinion on girls and we won't dream about their weddings--or, at least, we won't dream about them together. But we will be mother and son and that, in and of itself, is a dynamic I am so thankful to get to experience.

Tomorrow is the Status Review Hearing. If the BF still wants to contest (barring a miracle, he will) trial dates will be set. Both the BF and Jennifer have to be there and I know that she is quite nervous about the situation. Please pray for her. We ask that she might feel a peace that passes all understanding. Of course, we ask that BF will change his mind and see that this is the best place for his son. Please pray that there are no "blind sides" of information that will hurt our case. And, above all, pray that whatever is in Matthew's best interest will prevail. I love my little family. I am feeling like it is very complete and very perfect. I truly believe that this is the best place for my son...but I am not God. Years ago, I would have given myself a daughter and now I am more than content without one. So, obviously, he knows better than I do. Please pray that, whatever happens tomorrow, and in these weeks to come, I remember that we are in His hands.


  1. I too always dreamed of having a little girl, but you know now that I have Aiden - I almost want another boy... my paper eating, banging and dirty boy!

    We'll be praying for all involved tomorrow.

  2. Y'all have been in my prayers since first reading your blog and coming to understand your situation. Hope all goes according to God's will.

    As far as having a girl goes.. I have one. Always wanted one.. "my Zoey". But forget the lace and pink clothes. Give her dirt and bugs any day over all that girly stuff. She likes to wrestle with her big brother and push cars with her little brother.

  3. Praying for you as always.

    And PS, let's face it, you don't gain weight in real life either. :)

  4. AMEN SISTER!!!! oh my goodness, your words about wanting a daughter, are mine. your words about being so content with you boys, that is my heart so much. God always knows best.

    just from your writing i can tell that HE is really doing such a work in you. still praying.

  5. So many times I've thought, why did God give me sons? But then someone reminded me that us mothers- of sons- have the awesome responsibility and privilege to raise heads of households! I just loved it once I was told that. Your boys are precious!

    Found you off the Blogher widget!

  6. I wish your boys all the best!

    I kind of experienced something similar to yours, except what I wanted was an older sister. How you imagined you and your daughter would be like is just like how I imagined my life would be with an elder sister. But now I won't ever trade my 2 brothers for a sister. I love them so darn much, even if they thought me how to be a bit of a tomboy. :D