First, to all of you who have been praying for us, thank you. The visit went very well.
Now to the subject of today's blog:
To my knowledge, I've never deleted a blog comment before. At least, never because the comment was completely hurtful. There's a first for everything. Last night I got home and had a gaggle of new comments, most of them on yesterday's post. There was one that was posted on Matthew's Story: Nutshell Version. It was posted anonymously so I couldn't leave it there and respond directly to the person. It was clear that the writer hadn't spent a great deal of time on this blog but, in the wake of an evening with BF, it was like a knife being twisted into my soul. The sentence that really got to me began with the phrase, "If, God forbid, you do win in court..." and the rest of the comment was riddled with accusations.
And I deleted it.
I'm sitting in the window of our living room. The Rock Star is bundled up in snow clothes and he's playing in the yard with a handful of other children. I just heard him ask an older boy if he'd ever been to the North Pole. His sweet voice was dripping with innocence. I silently begged the older boy not to tell. I smiled as the boy said something about polar bears living there and left it at that. Don't take my son's innocence. Don't make him jaded. Don't let on that there is a world out there--a world where people use anonymous comments to wound people.
I didn't delete the nasty comment that I received today. I was in a better mood. Truthfully, instead of sending me into tears, it made me laugh out loud. There are a lot of things I don't post on my blog. I haven't given any details about Matthew's birth father because it isn't fair. It isn't fair to Matthew to list all of the reasons why we think he's better off here. It also isn't fair to bash somebody in a situation where he is unable to defend himself. It's kind of like leaving anonymous accusations on a personal blog. Sure, I can type out a long rebuttal but I can't directly address the person who hides behind the power of "anonymous". I digress. Oh how I'd love to list the reasons for my own selfish gain. I'd love to stand up for myself but I'm not going to.
What I will say is that my "white" child (although, to be truthful, he's really more of a peachy color) has spent plenty of time with Matthew's birth father. Not seeing him this weekend had nothing to do with whatever color he may or may not be. I would never think of skin color as the factor that makes a custody dispute emotional and potentially tense. Second, I rarely carry a purse. Third, it is not my desire to keep my child away from his FATHER. His MOTHER placed him with us, begged us to fight for him and, without going into detail, we have since had that decision more than validated by other reputable sources. And still, we have initiated visits where we are trying to respect the birth father, where we are trying to go beyond what we are required to do in favor of what we think we ought to do.
Who do I think I am? I'm a mother who has been praying every single day for nearly eleven months that God's will would prevail, that the judge would rule in Matthew's very best interest, that every decision I make is honoring and glorifying to my personal Lord and Savior. I'm a Christian who has dedicated my life to my husband, my children, my ministry. I fail. Every. Single. Day. I am forgiven. Every. Single. Day. That's who I think I am. I'm incredibly sorry that I've somehow made you ashamed to have adopted.
As for yesterday's deleted comment, the only thing I can offer in response is that you don't know even a fraction of the details of this situation. Yes, I am sure that Matthew would have bonded to you or to a social worker or to a mama bear in the wilderness. Babies bond to their primary care giver. I understand that. That's really neither here nor there. Matthew bonded to us. He bonded to us because we are who his MOTHER wants him with. We've found ourselves caught between the strong desires of his biological parents--and only careful consideration of the facts in this case has led us to our course of action (facts that we will not fully divulge even if we think it might make us look better).
That being said, we care a great deal about both of his biological parents and that is why we ask for prayer. We have agonized over our decisions knowing that one parent will be hurt by whatever we do. We did not choose to get stuck between a rock and a hard place. Since we ended up here anyway, the best we can do is wrap our arms around the baby who got wedged there as well. At the end of the day the only side we can choose is Matthew's. My husband has actually said he welcomes the court case because he wants someone impartial to render the final verdict. We want what's best for Matthew even more than we want what's best for his father, or mother, or for US. Though we think we have been fair in our assessment of all the relevant and unshared details of this case, we realize it is impossible to be impartial after nearly eleven months of having bonded with Matthew. The best we can do is love and protect him until a court decides which birth parent will have their wishes honored.
I don't know what our anonymous accusers would have had us do. Do they wish we had walked away when this suddenly and surprisingly became a contested adoption? Should we have washed our hands of this and allowed him to be placed in foster care while the two sides fought over his future? I know you can't please everyone, so we're just trying to do what's right by Matthew.
Which is why we ask for regular prayer. FOR MATTHEW. This week's special request was for peace, respect, and everyone putting aside their differences for him. That request was definitely granted. As for his future, we're not asking God to rubber stamp our wishes but to move His sovereign hand for Matthew's best regardless of what that does to us or anyone else.