So, okay. I used to think Tom Cruise was smashing hot. Right? I mean he was. He so was. Granted, this was back when he wasn't quite so crazy and he was in A Few Good Men and he was married to someone a little more, well, his own age. Now, I'm all for cradle robbing, for obvious reasons, but 16 and one half years just seems like a much bigger deal to me than ten. Because, well it is. At least Troy was still in elementary school when I was born. At least he didn't have a driver's license. At least he didn't have a teenage daughter when we got married. But it's not even the age difference that bothers me on some sort of fundamental level. It's just that, well, the dancing on the couch thing really creeped me out. And then the whole, "Shame on Brooke Shields and Katie will have a silent birth" thing pushed me right into the deep end. It might have had something to do with the fact that Suri (with a fringe on top--as I affectionately refer to her) was born three months before my son and I quite think that had Troy informed me that Garrett's birth would be silent I might have slugged him in the...I really want to say "baby maker" but I'm not entirely sure that's pastor's wife blog appropriate. Is it? And for your information, Garrett's birth was very quiet. That's because, for starters, I had the blessed epidural. That, coupled with that fact that I hate when people see me in pain and would have been completely mortified had I started moaning, groaning or screaming, made for a pretty calm and generally fairly silent birth. But that's so not the point. The point is, had Troy informed me that I would be dead silent and epiduraless, I think I might have been the loudest woman on the floor, just because I'm stubborn like that.
Now, recently, I was mighty appalled by the indoctrination video that Cruise made on behalf of Scientology. But, I think, just maybe, the following pictures bug me even more. First we have Cruise, making the face that he now seems to always be making. Why? He used to be regal and oh so suave and and and and gorgeous, if you will. But then he started doing this:
It's okay though. I'm totally over it. If he wants to grin like the Cheshire cat, so be it. You go Tom. Dance on Oprah's couch if you want to. Grin like the madman you seem to have become. Marry someone who is barely older than me when you are barely younger than my father. Name your baby after the headquarters of Scientology in the UK. I'm sure she'll love that when she's about sixteen. But don't make your wife practice your crazy smile for hours every night. Trust me when I say that the world only needs one of you.
Oh Katie. Katie. Katie. Katie. Oh wait, sorry. I know your husband said that we should call you Kate now that you're a mother. Kate, Kate, Kate. Is he injecting you with his own DNA? If you'd make some sort of sign, a signal for distress, I'd try to save you. Really I would. Because, truthfully, I'm becoming quite concerned for your well being.