Today's Hearing

I apologize to those of you who have been checking my blog this evening in hopes of finding out how the hearing went. We both had meetings at the church tonight and, unfortunately, didn't hear from our lawyer until the car ride to the church. We just got the boys in bed and the dishes done. Finally, I had a minute to sit down and write.

But I don't know what to say. I'm not entirely sure where to start, which details to share, what angle to take as I explain the events that transpired.

The BF's lawyer was otherwise occupied with another court case. For the life of me I don't understand how an attorney would need to be two places at once and, if he did, why it should cost me a day in court but, perhaps, this is one of life's little mysteries. Apparently he was finally able to show up but they were unable to depose the birth parents. Our lawyer and Matthew's lawyer were able to spend some valuable time with Jennifer. Supposedly it went very well. They are all meeting again on the 18th. (I'm dizzy with the dollar signs that are flashing by my face.) On July 16 they will meet to set a trial date. I would really prefer a phone call to set up a trial date. Or maybe an email. Heck, I'd be cool with a telegram or a smoke signal. But no...they'll all traipse back into court. ($$$)

Apparently, when asked how long he thinks the trial will take, BF's lawyer said a week. ($$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$!!!!) Our lawyer disagreed. Strongly. The first time the judge has a week available is April.

April of 2010. April. As in the month after March. April. As in ten months from now. April. When my son is 14 months old. Needless to say, this mama freaked out just a wee little bit like a cornered mountain lion with rabies. I wasn't the only one. BF went bananas (finally, we agree on something!) and Matthew's attorney was definitely not on board. I guess we'll have to wait until July to find out for sure.

Since February 28th, I've been able to feel the stress behind my eyelids. The anxiety is a palpable ball in the pit of my stomach. I've been holding on because I know that one day it will all be over. Needless to say, I was hoping it would be before April. The thought of losing my little boy ten months from now is horrifying. Wondering where thousands and thousands of dollars is going to come from is almost mind blowing. Of course, God has helped us with our expenses through the generosity of so many people. And while it is humbling to be blessed by such kindness, adding so many more bills seems overwhelming. But I do know that God will provide. My mom reminded me. Sometimes we need our mommies to be there for us.

I'm trying to be that mom to Matthew. I will be his advocate and his stability and I will wait for a trial date. And I will wait on the Lord. I asked Him to give me a verse to get me through until tomorrow and the next tomorrow and the one after that. This is what popped into my head, "Remain in me, and I will remain in you." I was a little confused. Yes, I want to remain in him and I certainly want him to remain in me but it didn't seem particularly applicable. So I looked up the passage it came from.

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." John 15:1-11

Everything I've been reading lately has been about discovering joy. I know that I'm supposed to keep my eyes fixed on Christ and not worry and find my abundant joy only in him. I know that he is pruning me and growing me and changing me. He never promised that it wouldn't hurt. Pruning often does. But he did promise that if I stay focused on him and remain in his love, my joy may be complete.

So I will take this waiting one day at a time.

While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
-John Waller