Monday, June 8, 2009

Today's Hearing

I apologize to those of you who have been checking my blog this evening in hopes of finding out how the hearing went. We both had meetings at the church tonight and, unfortunately, didn't hear from our lawyer until the car ride to the church. We just got the boys in bed and the dishes done. Finally, I had a minute to sit down and write.

But I don't know what to say. I'm not entirely sure where to start, which details to share, what angle to take as I explain the events that transpired.

The BF's lawyer was otherwise occupied with another court case. For the life of me I don't understand how an attorney would need to be two places at once and, if he did, why it should cost me a day in court but, perhaps, this is one of life's little mysteries. Apparently he was finally able to show up but they were unable to depose the birth parents. Our lawyer and Matthew's lawyer were able to spend some valuable time with Jennifer. Supposedly it went very well. They are all meeting again on the 18th. (I'm dizzy with the dollar signs that are flashing by my face.) On July 16 they will meet to set a trial date. I would really prefer a phone call to set up a trial date. Or maybe an email. Heck, I'd be cool with a telegram or a smoke signal. But no...they'll all traipse back into court. ($$$)

Apparently, when asked how long he thinks the trial will take, BF's lawyer said a week. ($$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$!!!!) Our lawyer disagreed. Strongly. The first time the judge has a week available is April.

April of 2010. April. As in the month after March. April. As in ten months from now. April. When my son is 14 months old. Needless to say, this mama freaked out just a wee little bit like a cornered mountain lion with rabies. I wasn't the only one. BF went bananas (finally, we agree on something!) and Matthew's attorney was definitely not on board. I guess we'll have to wait until July to find out for sure.

Since February 28th, I've been able to feel the stress behind my eyelids. The anxiety is a palpable ball in the pit of my stomach. I've been holding on because I know that one day it will all be over. Needless to say, I was hoping it would be before April. The thought of losing my little boy ten months from now is horrifying. Wondering where thousands and thousands of dollars is going to come from is almost mind blowing. Of course, God has helped us with our expenses through the generosity of so many people. And while it is humbling to be blessed by such kindness, adding so many more bills seems overwhelming. But I do know that God will provide. My mom reminded me. Sometimes we need our mommies to be there for us.

I'm trying to be that mom to Matthew. I will be his advocate and his stability and I will wait for a trial date. And I will wait on the Lord. I asked Him to give me a verse to get me through until tomorrow and the next tomorrow and the one after that. This is what popped into my head, "Remain in me, and I will remain in you." I was a little confused. Yes, I want to remain in him and I certainly want him to remain in me but it didn't seem particularly applicable. So I looked up the passage it came from.

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." John 15:1-11

Everything I've been reading lately has been about discovering joy. I know that I'm supposed to keep my eyes fixed on Christ and not worry and find my abundant joy only in him. I know that he is pruning me and growing me and changing me. He never promised that it wouldn't hurt. Pruning often does. But he did promise that if I stay focused on him and remain in his love, my joy may be complete.

So I will take this waiting one day at a time.

While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
-John Waller


  1. I just want to give you a hug.


  2. I'm so glad to hear your strength come through in that post.

    One of my biggest problems was always that the BM would never show up at court and would always force a continuance, and of course, we had to pay for it. It just never seem fair.

  3. lori, the only thing you can do is wait on the LORD... cuz HE is in control, over your family. whatever happens HE is the awesome GOD who loves you all so much, and trust that, keep your eyes on HIM... hard as that is, you HAVE to/

    we are praying for you
    love chris stewart

  4. Oh, Lori. I'm so sorry this is such a drawn-out process. My heart was in my throat at the idea of going another 10 months with this and losing Matthew at a time when he has memories of and attachment to you.


  5. I'm so sorry to hear that, once again, there's so little news. The idea of waiting until April is intolerable. Even waiting until July to set a date seems crazy! I hope you're still able to enjoy and cherish the next month with Matthew... and hopefully you'll have hundreds of other months together after that!

    I love you!

  6. I also just want to give you a hug. Our judicial system is broken, I am sorry you are finding this out first hand.
    May the Lord bless your faith richly, may financial needs be met as this battle drags on. May Matthew get the foundations he needs, at the earliest age, to stand in faith as well.

    Maybe we can see you this summer at Tahoe? Any plans?

  7. Hi Lori, I don't know if you remember me, back from the days of RFB in Ramona...I have been reading your blog for a little while and I just want to tell you how strong and courageous you are. You set such a wonderful example by how much you love the Lord. I enjoy so much reading your blog, I laugh out loud sometimes with the things your little one says...Your family has been in my prayers, and you will continue to be...Matthew is so incredibly lucky to be with you, I can tell that he is loved so much.
    Love, Marissa (Terry)

  8. Oh my dear Lori. My heart feels for you. Just the thought of not knowing can be un-nerving enough, but then to add $$ to the mix. You are absolutely right knowing that God is in control and your needs will all be taken care of. I have found (through our "journey") Psalm 46:10 to be helpful. BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD I find strenght and comfort in those words. Just wanted to share.
    Love & Hugs,

  9. I too would be freaking out.

    The only thing I could think though is that April 2010... you would experience so much between now and then. And he would call you "mama". I cannot begin to imagine the pain if after all that he was taken away, but you can only imagine the blessing this little boy is being given to be with your family right now. Perhaps that is part of the plan as well.