Made visible by light shining through from behind.
There was a time when I tried to be honest and permeable when I wrote. It was a time when I said what I needed to say, believing that people understood that they held my heart in their hands, believing that by letting others catch a glimpse into what this life was like, I might make a difference, however small. The discovery came as a shock to me. People who disagreed with me in huge ways were also paying attention. People were reading who knew that by holding my heart in their hands they could do intense cardiac damage. Many times, over the past year and a half, I've wondered why it bothered me so much. I knew the details. They didn't. I had all the information. They didn't. I knew me. They didn't.
I became blocked. If I couldn't convey my heart through words, there was no point in writing about anything except funny things my children say, bipolar Utah weather, and barf. When I've allowed myself to write anything about adoption, I've feared that I'll receive uninformed and accusatory responses, that I'll end up on yet another website slamming my family for stealing someone's child, that the details will be falsified.
I've had people ask me how we talk about adoption with our sons, how we plan to forge ahead as a transracial family and how we honor Matthew's birth parents. The truth is that I want to share some of that here, from time to time. I don't want to be afraid of slanderous comments.
We take one day at a time. We are constantly having to change our approach. I think this will always be the case. Matthew will always be growing, changing, needing more, needing less, expressing himself in different ways. And it will always be, first and foremost, about him. His mother and his father will likewise grow and change and express themselves in different ways. Troy will change. Garrett will change. I will change.
I'm praying my way through this, trying, always, to do right by Matthew. We try to think about what is in his best interest right now and what might be in his best interest twenty years from now.
If you've adopted, are considering adoption, or are just plain curious about something, feel free to ask. I'm really trying to lift the moratorium on writing about the details of open adoption.