Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Moratorium Lifted


Made visible by light shining through from behind.

There was a time when I tried to be honest and permeable when I wrote. It was a time when I said what I needed to say, believing that people understood that they held my heart in their hands, believing that by letting others catch a glimpse into what this life was like, I might make a difference, however small. The discovery came as a shock to me. People who disagreed with me in huge ways were also paying attention. People were reading who knew that by holding my heart in their hands they could do intense cardiac damage. Many times, over the past year and a half, I've wondered why it bothered me so much. I knew the details. They didn't. I had all the information. They didn't. I knew me. They didn't.

I became blocked. If I couldn't convey my heart through words, there was no point in writing about anything except funny things my children say, bipolar Utah weather, and barf. When I've allowed myself to write anything about adoption, I've feared that I'll receive uninformed and accusatory responses, that I'll end up on yet another website slamming my family for stealing someone's child, that the details will be falsified.

I've had people ask me how we talk about adoption with our sons, how we plan to forge ahead as a transracial family and how we honor Matthew's birth parents. The truth is that I want to share some of that here, from time to time. I don't want to be afraid of slanderous comments.

We take one day at a time. We are constantly having to change our approach. I think this will always be the case. Matthew will always be growing, changing, needing more, needing less, expressing himself in different ways. And it will always be, first and foremost, about him. His mother and his father will likewise grow and change and express themselves in different ways. Troy will change. Garrett will change. I will change.

I'm praying my way through this, trying, always, to do right by Matthew. We try to think about what is in his best interest right now and what might be in his best interest twenty years from now.

If you've adopted, are considering adoption, or are just plain curious about something, feel free to ask. I'm really trying to lift the moratorium on writing about the details of open adoption.


  1. I think you're brave and awesome and I think if anyone writes anything nasty or ignorant you should be liberal with the delete button. You know who else knows the details? God does. And he's the only judge you need to concern yourself with. Rock the transparency, mama!

  2. Lori, I was adopted, and one thing I know that you are already doing is showing Matthew how much he is loved and how God loves us so much that He adopted us!

    My parents blurted out to me that I was adopted during an argument when I was 12. Let me just say that was probably the wrong way to do it.

  3. I am one of the those who quietly reads and am blessed. Please be encouraged that God has given you two precious boys and how that happen is God's gift to you. Please be encouraged to just be you, that is how God is made you!!
    blessings diane

  4. As a woman who is also suffering through the sometimes daily torture of infertility your blog helps me to cope. I know that adoption may be in my fear is mainly when the hypothetical child gets older and how to cope with this child having two mom's....I guess that is just fear and jealously rearing it's ugly head. :)

    Thank you for your wonderfully candid blog. You really are helping people even if you don't know it.

  5. Lori, I love reading your heart. I haven't been on in break of sorts for me, but it's nice to come back and catch up with your life and what's happening,

    I think you're great :)

  6. Lori, I am so grateful for your posts. All of them. I know He speaks through your life and circumstances to us and I'm grateful you're willing to risk saying things that might land you some mean replies. If it helps, just know that Jesus was harshly judged and mistreated for speaking the truth as well. Have courage knowing your Savior has gone before you, and pray always for wisdom to know what doesn't need to be shared and what does. God will speak and bless those who can receive it. Much, much love to you and your family! ~Jenn Klein

  7. Hi, I just wanted to say that it's very obvious how much you love your son and that is a very important message for people to see. My husband was adopted and he had a very difficult life without very much love. The best thing about your blog is you show people like me that adoption is still a good thing, and I'd love to do it someday. So thank you