Saturday, January 14, 2012

I'm Glad I Don't Report To The Direct Manager

My sister-in-law came across the following employment ad.

Job Description:
This is a child care management/personal assistant partnership. Children are 12, 9, and 8 respectively. The position will require a full-time commitment; expectations include but are not limited to the following: 

Childcare Management Duties/Responsibilities: Manage children's schedules, transporting to/from school, doctors appointments, and extracurricular activities.

1. Put the absolute safety of the children first before all other responsibilities
2. Prepare meals for children during scheduled hours 
3. Participate and supervise activities with children, including: games, walks, play dates, playground outings, etc. 
4. Research and plan activities that have substantial child development, social relationship skills and educational value.
5. Order lunches for children during in session school year
6. Coordinate/Communicate with teachers to ensure project deadlines and upcoming school functions are met, in addition to conferences being set
7. Assist with daily completion of homework 
8. Coordinate/Communicate with Direct Manager (i.e. father), ensuring all activities relating to children (school, personal, family, etc.) are noted on family's personal/business calendar
9. Evening meal preparation for Family. 

Personal Assistant Duties/Responsibilities: Specific professional duties include research, correspondence, or other appropriate duties as assigned. In addition to the above, applicant will also be expected to do the following:

1. Interface and grant access to home for service personnel (i.e. cable/telephone, pest control, package delivery, housekeeping services, etc.) and also friends, relatives, and colleagues of Family
2. Be responsible for recurring grocery shopping/meal planning
3. Run errands, dry-cleaning, etc when advised and necessary

I really, sincerely, hope that this position pays enormous amounts of money. It may as well be titled, "Mom Wanted" because that's exactly what this ad is asking for. It is slightly less horrific if there is, indeed, no mother and the father works full time. In fact, that's the only way I could even begin to cope with the ridiculous expectations of the job description.

I mean, seriously. Expectations include but are not limited to being a full time mother, teacher, and personal assistant to the Direct Manager.

And, okay. Hold up. The DIRECT MANAGER?! I don't even know how to punctuate that correctly. I don't know if I'm asking a question or making an exclamation. Who refers to their husband or father as The Direct Manager? This is like a 21st century version of The Sound of Music but without the cheery likes of Julie Andrews and certainly without clothing made of drapes. There's no dancing around fountains or singing about favorite things. The Direct Manager sounds a lot like Captain Von Trapp before he fell in love with Maria--when he was just a stodgy jerk wielding an obnoxious whistle. I'm fairly certain The Direct Manager has a whistle.

I don't have to rehash everything this job includes. It's maid, mother, wife, personal assistant, chauffeur and cook all rolled into one. It sounds a lot like what I do but this is my family. I'm invested in all of them. And even I don't have the child development degree it would take to fulfill the duties of number four.

What makes me the saddest about this job posting is number eight. Coordinate with this man so that he can show up at events and pretend he cares. (It's unfair of me to say that he doesn't care when I don't know this man--or his circumstances--at all. However, when you post something like this to the Internet, you have to know that you are choosing your words carefully. The words make it sound like The Direct Manager is way too busy with his job to take an active role in the lives of his children.) A child feels loved when his daddy can't wait until his next soccer game. He feels loved when his daddy knows when that game is and doesn't have to rely on an alarm on his cell phone.

I know that not every family looks exactly like mine. I know that circumstances are different for everyone. I also know that I don't want my children being raised (and my entire household being run) by someone who isn't even a member of my family. The whole things just makes me incredibly sad for the children, ages 12, 9 and 8 respectively.

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