Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Fake Kate

We're done having kids. That's what I tell people when they ask. What I mean is that we're not having anymore biological children--for multiple reasons. That chapter of our lives is closed. Not that it was ever really open. I've come to realize that Garrett is some kind of incredibly special miracle child. We're probably not adopting again either. This is more because of finances and emotions and less about not having the desire to adopt again. Some days I'm perfectly content with the size and shape of my family. I love not being tied down to a baby. I adore that, after five and a half years, we're on the verge of being a diaper free family. Other days I see a baby or a pregnant woman and I crave that newborn smell. I envy the tiny flutters of a baby's movements in utero. Tomorrow I'll likely be back to the former. At this very present moment I'm lamenting the fact that my family is probably complete. 

See, last night, Troy found this morphing website. He used a picture of me and a picture of himself. Curious as to what a biological daughter might have looked like, he conceived one for us. It was much less complicated than the actual biological child we have. He showed me.

And I was instantly and furiously in love with a fake person.

How, on earth, could I not be?

Oh. Man. I wanted her. Desperately. Actually, wanted has nothing to do with it. I want her. Our longstanding girl name is Kate Elizabeth and I feel like she fits the title. She's not as loud as her brothers but she's a chatterbox, nonetheless. And oh is she ever precocious. She has a deep appreciation of books and tea parties. She loves pizza and pancakes but, for some inexplicable reason, will not touch bananas. She's more compliant than Matthew but less than Garrett and she digs the silver sparkles of her dress up heels  into the carpet when they try to boss her around. I want to kiss those pink lips, look deep into those big almond eyes, and tell her that I would have loved to have had her.

We tried again, after Matthew. To no avail, as expected. I am thankful, beyond words and measure, for the incredible children that the Lord has blessed me with. I wouldn't trade them for anything. They are my life, my dreams, my entire heart. 

But when I look at Fake Kate, I can't help but imagine her in a pink blanket sleeper, snuggled deep into her daddy's arms while her bigger, protective brothers are cuddled into mine. We are a family of four. A mommy, a daddy, and two boys that are only here because of the power of prayer and my loving, compassionate Father in heaven.

Sometimes, though, I wonder what life would be like if Fake Kate (or a Fake Joel or William or Levi) lived here too.

(And, I mean really, have you seen a cuter, fake, morphed daughter?)

1 comment:

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