Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The One In Which We Discuss All The Barf

Because I don't think anyone who works for Child Protective Services reads my blog and because the child in question is not mine, I wanted to bring your attention to this comment which was left on yesterday's post:

When Kyle was two, Jason and I both came down with a horrible stomach flu. We were so sick that we never even changed his diaper the entire day! I was eight months pregnant with Neil to top it off. What a fun day that was. We just locked the doors and hoped for the best. Obviously, Kyle lived through the day. He probably ate dog food or something, because I sure don't remember getting up to fix him anything to eat!

It made me chuckle. And then laugh. And then guffaw some more. The child being discussed--the one who ran around in a soggy diaper and possibly survived on dog food--is my cousin. Kyle is now 21. He is alive and well. This is how I know that The Rock Star will be okay even though he basically took care of himself yesterday. At noon, when he asked me for a hot dog, I had to talk myself into it for a half hour. I considered giving him step by step instructions so that he could do it himself but there was a knife involved so I decided against it. Finally, I closed my eyes and held my breath while I pulled it out of the package and stuck it in the microwave. If smells could kill...

But seriously, Aunt Vicki, why didn't you call my mom or your mom or the plethora of other relatives who lived near you so that you could hurl in peace, without the help of a two and a half year old? 19 years later I'm feeling very sorry for you.

I also want to know, how, in the world, I didn't throw up a single solitary time when I was pregnant with The Rock Star. Seriously. If I didn't remember almost every second of giving birth to that kid, I wouldn't believe I'd ever actually been pregnant. Maybe I had a case of pseudocyesis. Maybe he's not even real. He could just be a figment of my imagination. Because the fact that I never chucked--not once--during pregnancy is just, well, honestly, it's impossible. I did put my head in the toilet at a Coco's and then laid on said Coco's bathroom floor but I never produced a bit of regurgitated food. Therefore, I was never pregnant.

Also, the fact that I didn't throw up at all between the summer of 1999 and the spring of 2003 is unimaginable. I'm either blocking something out of my memory or Point Loma Nazarene University was like the probiotic for stomach ailments.

So, this last time, I almost passed out. I stood up from the porcelain throne and the world spun uncontrollably. I saw starish like twinkles. I collided into the bathroom sink. I considered the emergency room and the blessed relief of an IV drip. But seriously, I'm much too cheap for that. Troy would likely have had to pry my lifeless fingers from the toilet seat before I'd let him take me to the ER on account of vomit. Then we'd just bypass the emergency room altogether and head straight for the morgue. Here's the thing. I almost passed out. I pull muscles. My lower back always hurts something awful. I lose, on average, about six pounds. I gain it all back in a New York minute, in case you were concerned. (How many of you are singing Don Henley now?) Generally speaking, I throw up for about six to eight hours and, in that amount of time, I typically puke between 18-30 times. Obviously, the last 15-27 times are nothing more than bile, stomach lining, bones from my toes--I don't know what. But I feel like that is excessive. I feel like that is not normal. I used to get some kind of stomach bug once or twice a year. Since having kids, it seems like it happens more often. I think I've had it three times this year and we still have two months to go.

This time, I tried eating ice chips but I just threw them back up. At the seven hour mark I was so dehydrated that I didn't care anymore. I poured myself a cup of green Gatorade. (I hate green Gatorade for the sheer fact that I always drank it when I had the stomach flu as a kid. Green Gatorade tastes like the stomach flu to me. It does.) I drank it in small sips, knowing that those small sips would be staring at me in approximately 15 minutes. But they never came back up. Granted, it was the seven hour mark so maybe I just got lucky. Or, is it possible that my stomach malfunctions and it can't get out of some kind of cycle of yakking? Is there something in green Gatorade that calmed it? Do any of you have any kind of stomach flu cure that I could try next time? Because, you know what, this is ridiculous. Oh, and hey, I wasn't totally cured when I drank the Gatorade. I just wasn't throwing up anymore. There were still, uh, other things going on which suggested that something was still wrong with my innards. I wouldn't be sharing that with all the Internet world except for the fact that I am desperate for some kind of home remedy/medical study for which I would be paid heftily for my services/miracle and I thought you might need all the facts. I'll do anything next time. I'll eat dirt. I'll do thirty push ups followed by eleven hundred crunches--because my stomach would probably feel as sore as it does when I've finished throwing up 25 times. I'll turn around eight times, throw tarragon over my shoulder, spit three times into a sippy cup, and then swallow a dime if you promise me that it will help.



  1. Um. Wow. That's really all that can be said in response to those words. And the mental images are, well, neat. Go to the doctor. Because if you guys all die up there, I will be beyond consolable. So please don't cease all the living. As for a home rememdy, here is my suggestion: Hold your breath, starting with ten seconds, and increasing in ten second increments until you reach one minuute. After that, gargle some saltwater mixed with minced garlic. Hop up and down on one foot for 8 seconds. And lastly, hop on a plane bound for San Diego. Drive east on Interstate 8 to El Cajon. See our apartment. And then, you're cured!

  2. wow, i surely didn't need all that. that was an amazing story. i was riveted and though i now feel sick to my stomach, i couldn't stop reading. thanks for sharing. i think. you are, to me, are medical marvel, especially since i have never thrown up. amazing i know. when i learn my trick i'll let you know.

  3. Dena, you have literally NEVER thrown up in your entire life? How the heck is that possible? And Lori, sorry but I have no ideas for a cure. My motto has always been sleep, sleep, sleep (with sips of water in between)-and near a bathroom. :P

    Feel better soon!

  4. Lori- as you might remember, I'm exactly the same way. I have always gotten sick to my stomach easily, and when I do, it usually involves throwing up A LOT. Like, every 20 minutes, until long after every trace of food is gone. So, I empathize. It really is miserable.
    You know what you said about green Gatorade? That is EXACTLY how I feel about 7-Up. It always tastes like being sick to me, because that's when I used to get it as a kid. So, I never drink it for fun. Only when I'm sick to my stomach, and then it tastes more like medicine than anything else.
    I'm afraid I don't have a solution for you, but I really hope you get well soon!!

  5. Okay, I have no remedies for you. But this post made me laugh :) Try real Coca Cola - cool but with no ice - take a spoon and stir until every bit of fizz is gone and sip away, but sip, don't chug cause it will taste good. It always calms my stomach and when you are back to eating anything, it tastes excellent paired with saltines.

  6. Okay, so I pretty much laughed until I cried when I read that one. Holly kept telling me to shut up because I was literally laughing out loud! I would have posted a comment sooner, but I've been busy today explaining myself to Child Protective Services (kidding!) And to answer your question...I have absolutely no idea why I didn't call someone to come get Kyle! I don't remember it even crossing my mind! I guess we just told Toby, the dog, to take care of him (along with sharing his food, apparently!) I do remember that his diaper was pretty much hanging down to his knees by evening, kind of like taking your kid into a pool with a regular diaper before the days of the "swim diaper". Thanks for the laugh! Hope you're feeling better.

  7. Ok this is completely unhelpful but it might lift your mood. There is a video you should look for on YouTube. Literally all you have to type in is Guy Drinks Ipecac. It sounds terrible, but it is amazing. And I think you will feel comforted that your vomiting skills can be topped. I hope. Its not that graphic I promise. There might be a couple swear words in there, but hey I wasn't in your bathroom with you yesterday, so I'm not going to judge anybody.

  8. Gatorade is good for getting your electrolytes up and reversing dehyrdation although personally I would not go for the green, red or orange :). Usually I go for the blue or clear.

    What really works to keep you hydrated, and is gentle on your stomach, is Pedialyte.

    Take a cup fill it with 1/3pedialyte and 2/3 water...and then sip it.

    I usually start out with one sip every 5 minutes. And I literally mean a sip. Just enough to wet your mouth and trickle down your throat..and I usually swish it around my mouth first. Sounds gross but it helps.

    If you can keep that down after 30-45 minutes then I would increasingly take bigger sips.

    When I take it, I notice that I don't throw up as much and when I do it doesn't hurt as badly. Also I'm not as shaky.

    I hope you and the family feel better soon.

  9. I never threw up while pregnant. Never. Yet I can barely contain my innards when dealing with any foul smelling liquids at work (i.e. spit up & vomit) How weird is that? I hope you all start feeling well soon! That Pedialyte idea sounds great! We'll have to try it, not that I'm looking for a reason to :-( But, good to know!

  10. My sister was the one who introduced me to Pedialyte, she has 4 kids and one was a preemie who is frequently sick. All I can say is my sister rocks! Anything that keeps me out of the hospital is a good thing.

  11. Emetrol for stomach flu can work wonders.
    Was once recommended by a doctor's office. I have the equate Wal-Mart brand, sealed and expired, thankfully, in my linen closet. It is labeled "cherry flavor anti-nausea liquid." You take one or two tablespoons every 15 minutes, for up to 5 doses. (per the box)

  12. I pray for God's mercy. Seriously. I hate hate hate throwing up, and I find that when I am lying on the bathroom floor in agony, if I can turn my thoughts to Him and really pray in His presence, my body rests from the inside out. Its an amazing feeling. It doesn't always stop me from throwing up, but its more peaceful when I do, and the ordeal tends to end more quickly as He does, in fact, have mercy on us. One time, and I am serious, He made it go away all together. I was just suddenly better. I also got through labor by praying. Yeah, I got the epidural eventually, but I did at least 7cm just being with Him. :)