The Decision

Control. It's an issue for me. As I said when I spoke at the retreat last September, all my adult life has been one big lesson in letting go and letting God be in control of my life. I'm getting better. If, by getting better, I mean that I can at least recognize when situations pop up where I shift into a psychotic control freak. I used to be considered legally blind to those fun little experiences. Now I'm wearing corrective lenses and can usually, at the very least, recognize them coming if I squint. What I do with the knowledge of their approaching is really any one's guess.

I've spent the last several weeks trying to make a decision about something which could end up being important or could end up not making the slightest bit of difference. While I think it won't matter, I recognize that I need to be prepared in the event that it does. I've agonized over the issue, over thinking, over analyzing, control freaking (a new verb I've coined just for me), flipping from one side of the issue to the other and back again like a teenage girl trying to decide which shoes to wear with her prom dress.

Honestly, the Lord doesn't speak audibly to me. Never has and, likely, never will. Although, that certainly would be pretty darn awesome. And terrifying, I'm sure. But I feel Him revealing himself to me fairly regularly--especially if I'm in constant prayer. However, this time...nothing. So I did what I always do when I don't recognize any direct revelation. I turned on the television and waited to see if I'd hear the word "yes" or "no" first. Totally kidding but I'm going to go do that right now just for the fun of it. Stand by. I turned on the tv and there was an ad that said, "Don't Take the Trip!" Good thing this has nothing to do with going on a vacation. Or, well, drugs. Then someone said, "Of course!" and a few moments later someone else said, "no." So this validates my decision not to watch television for all the answers.

Okay, so what I really did was went to Scripture and sought counsel from a few. I honestly thought about opening it up for discussion on this very blog and while I'm sure the other six of you would have offered splendid advice, I didn't exactly want my one axe murderer reader weighing in.

My counsel offered good and sound advice but, would you believe it, not one of them would make the decision for me. (In all honestly I only asked my mother to make the decision for me but she refused. Somehow I don't remember that happening when I was little and asked if I could have cookies for dinner.)

I listened to a message. I read my Bible. I made a decision.

And now I find myself--as one of my friend's truthfully told me--completely over thinking the issue. The issue that likely won't make a difference one way or the other, mind you. Completely, well, control freaking, if you will. So today I've spent Matthew's entire nap (don't look at the house, it's a total mess) searching Scripture to remind me that God is in control and any attempt I make to take control is futile and ridiculous.

"Yours O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all." I Chronicles 29:11

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 40:10

"We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic, 'Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads." Acts 24:16

"Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please. From the east I summon a bird of prey; from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose. What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do. " Isaiah 46:9-11

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

“You turn things upside down, as if the potter were thought to be like the clay! Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, “He did not make me”? Can the pot say of the potter, “He knows nothing”? Isaiah 29:16