Cheeks!

I really hope that whatever The Rock Star has is not contagious. See, I'm flying on Friday and airplane diarrhea is, like, my biggest irrational fear. Except it is so not irrational because, well, can you even imagine? And I'm speaking at a conference in southern California on Saturday and conference diarrhea really doesn't sound like fun. At all. So here's to hoping it was something he ate. Like the prunes he had for lunch yesterday or the refried beans he had for dinner. Yeah. Like that.

This morning Troy left early for a meeting and, just as soon as he'd left, The Rock Star started in with the running poop. Yes. This is yet another poop story. I'm fairly certain that as soon as he learns how to read, my son will veto any and all fecal tales from being shared with the world wide web. But for now....muahahahaha! (Insert best villain laugh. Embellish. Make it worthy. In actuality I'm terrible at sound effects.)

After several rounds of him pooping and me wiping--he's perfectly capable of doing the dirty work himself but refuses any and every time it is runny--he started to complain that it hurt. I busted out the baby wipes. Apparently whatever they put in those things burns like crazy because he started bawling.

I switched to hosing him off in the shower. So, there we were. Him on his knees with his posterior facing me and me holding the removable shower nozzle. "Garrett, can you spread your cheeks for me." Because I just don't think of how these things will sound later. On my blog. Typed out. As I sprayed water in the general direction of his hiney, nothing happened. "Garrett, use your hands and spread your cheeks." Nothing. "Garrett! I need you to use your hands and spread your cheeks," I said, accenting each and every word.

"I am!" He said, exasperated. As I stared into his tail end I suddenly realized that at the other end he was using his hands to pull his cheeks--the ones on his face--as wide as he possibly could. I'm certain that he was completely confused as to why he had to yank his face apart while I took care of his sore bottom. I could absolutely not stop laughing hysterically.