I spoke at a retreat. I didn't really give you a lot of details when I got back. I moved from speaker mode into planner mode because only two weeks separated the retreat I spoke at from the retreat I was in charge of. The title of my retreat message (I spoke four times) was Clay in the Hands of the Potter: Learning to let go, trust God, and live by faith.
I prayed. A lot. Anything that sounded remotely acceptable was the Lord speaking through me and nothing else. The feedback I received was positive. I'm certain that there were people who thought I sounded like total crud but they respectfully kept their mouths shut.
Several people asked me if I was relieved when it was over. The thing--the really weird thing--the thing I did not expect--was that I wasn't. I felt a certain weight lift off of me, of course, but I was actually kind of...sad. I mean not sad like I was going to go off and cry buckets or anything ridiculous like that but I kind of thought, "Huh. That wasn't so bad. That was actually kind of fun. I think, maybe, I could do that again." And now that the retreat that I was in charge of is over, I find myself thinking about how I kind of really wish I had another retreat on the schedule. This is very strange because I hated my speech class in college with a vengeance. Every time I had to get up and deliver a speech I found myself wishing Point Loma would just topple into the ocean that very minute. So it is odd that I desire to do it again sometime.
It is odd that I desire to do it again sometime...soon. So what I need is for you people to tell me I'm crazy. I need you to tell me that this is a very silly desire. Because if you can't do that, what can I depend on you for, really? If you happened to be at the retreat in California just leave me a little note saying, "You are crazy. I got nothing out of it." If you don't know me or weren't there, just go ahead and say the same thing. Then I can put all of this behind me. Because the truth of the matter is that even if I wasn't horrible, even if I was mediocre at best, even if I could maybe have potential if I practiced a whole lot more and prayed even more than that, I wouldn't have a clue how to go about doing it again. So this is really like everything else I ever wanted to be.
Actress: Yeah. That didn't exactly pan out.
Writer: Still a pipe dream but darn if I'll ever find someone to publish me. And darn if I'd need to conjure up some talent first.
Mother: Okay. Mission accomplished but not without clawing and scraping and getting shots in my butt and not without a great deal of heartache.
So call me crazy. Let the comments come.