Tuesday, March 31, 2009

What We Know

We don't know much but here's what we know so far:

We need our own representation in California. We have a call into the recommended attorney. Hopefully we'll be able to scrape together the retainer. We have no idea how much that will be. Please pray that it's a figure we can get ahold of.

We are struggling with this. We certainly don't want to steal a baby from his birth father but we have been given reasons why we feel like he might not be the best option to raise Matthew. We really don't feel like this is the right forum to speculate on someone's character or ability, but such concerns DO play into our decision making and prayers. Additionally, I spoke to Jennifer yesterday and she is still completely committed to us raising Matthew. She wants him here and will back us 100%. So, if we chose not to fight this, we'd be going against her wishes. She said that I am his mother and that I love him as though he came from my own womb and I show no difference between my love for him and my love for Garrett and that he absolutely has to stay with us. Um...I'm glad that Matthew's birth mother can see what I know to be true.

I was talking to God. I asked why. I didn't mean why is this happening to us and not someone else. I simply meant why is it happening at all. What are we supposed to be learning and how should we proceed from here? I know that Troy and I didn't do anything wrong in this situation. We didn't go in with our eyes closed. There were no red flags. Yesterday Jennifer reiterated that God had led her to pick us and she believes that he is exactly where he is supposed to be. It struck me when she said--again--that God led her to us. I know that he is in control but it just made me realize that, for some reason, we are exactly where we're supposed to be. Whether we are supposed to be Matthew's parents for two months or a lifetime, God placed us here.

I take some small amount of comfort in knowing that my God trusts me with this. I sure wish he didn't have as much confidence in me. I certainly don't see whatever he sees. But I'm being held by a force much, much bigger than myself.


  1. Just a heads up...you used fake name once and real name once. Not that it really matters, but you know, for continuity's sake. I am praying for you. I am also trying to figure out what you're supposed to learn from this. I think sometimes we never know. Our minds are too small and too insignificant. That is why He is He and we are we. But just know, that as I watch this all unfold, there is no one I can think of who would be as strong as you. It is situations like this that it can be so hard to exercise the sort of faith and strength we always speak of and wish to have. Many others would have already faltered, but from what we can see, you remain strong. That's my two cents, for what it's worth...which is probably about two cents.

  2. Continuing on with Jon's thoughts...there are many times that we never know why things happen. So often we bargain with God during hard times. The key is to remain faithful and full of peace, that even if you never see a "reason" why all of this is happening, you can rest in the God you know to be in control of it all. J

  3. There have been times in my life that I am lead to question why.... and like you it's not "why me or why this" but why Father...what do you need me to see. At those times I crawled up into his 'lap' and rested while he showed me. His plans include the fleeting moments in life just as mich as the seemingly neverending ones. My hear aches for your joy and for you anguish. My heart is with yours .....

  4. Lori,
    Maybe the WHY is so that God can show others your unwavering Faith. Maybe the lesson here is not for you and Troy. Maybe it is for all of us on the outside looking in, seeing the heartache you must be feeling and never losing faith in Gods plan. I think to JOB and all that he endured and God rewarded him for his faithfulness. But what a testiment of faith JOB is to us. You and your family and your faith that WILL get you through this will be a testiment to so many people. You will show them that even though you faced hard times you never gave up on Gods plan for you.

    I have no doubt you will be rewarded for your faith. Just as I have no doubt that you will touch many peoples lives because of it, and maybe THAT was Gods plan.

    So sorry that you have to endure these trying times. I will continue to pray for you all and I am checking your blog daily for updates. Thank you for blessing me with your words and your faith. That plan is working already!

  5. just wanted to add one more thing...from my bible reading tonight, thought is was appropriate.

    O Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress.

    Isaiah 33:2