Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The One In Which I Talk About Members

***As for yesterday, well, apparently the woman never showed up. We appreciate your prayers and know that God's timing in this whole thing is perfect, even when we feel ourselves slowly going nuts. Legal things are happening on a daily basis but I won't go into detail. At this point it seems that we will not learn anything new until the court date which is scheduled for April. Currently the potential birth father is refusing to take a DNA test unless he can first see the baby. We're not likely to agree to that anytime soon. Please keep praying. We are stressed!

Blood and guts don't bother me. I should have been a medical professional. Aside from the fact that my mind was far from wired for the sciences and I'd likely have failed straight out of school, I think I'd be great. I stay calm under pressure. Oh sure, I completely freak out when my house is cluttered but give me some blood and some real distress and I tend to remain totally level headed.

We kind of had to get out of the hospital really quickly on the day we were discharged. There was so much baby daddy drama going on that we were escorted out before we could have Matthew circumcised. Not only did we want him circumcised for a plethora of reasons, it was also the desire of his birth mother. So the nurses told us to have it done by his pediatrician. Today was the big day.

We all went to Matthew's doctor's appointment. He weighs 8 lbs 15 oz and is just shy of 21 inches long. He was actually 21 inches, according to the nurse, but I was supposed to be holding his head against that back and, well, that little booger is strong and wanted no part of it. So let's just say he's 21 inches if you count his hair. When it came time for the circumcision, the doctor said that we could attend or we could not attend, it was completely up to us. She then added that they make the dads sit down because they never handle it as well as the moms. I can understand that. Men seem to be a whole lot more concerned about the ahem business than women. I quickly informed her that Troy and Garrett would certainly not be in attendance. I had no intention of scarring my toddler for life. As for me, well, I hadn't yet decided. I hadn't been given the option with Garrett, they just took him away in the hospital and he came back a little, uh, shorter. She left to set up the O.R. (which was just a different exam room and wasn't really an operating room at all). I sat down next to Troy.

Me: Should I go?
Him: It's up to you.
Me: I should probably be with him.
Him: Okay.
Me: Plus then I can blog about it.
Him: There is seriously something wrong with you.

You have no idea.

I'll spare you the details but it was incredibly fascinating. The form of oral medication administered to my seventeen day old baby: sugar water. We've always believed that sugar, in moderation, is completely acceptable and our child has been allowed to consume cookies, cake and ice cream in small quantities. Or, as was the case at our Christmas Open House, huge volumes since everyone who walked in the door helped serve Garrett cookie after cookie. In any case, even he didn't have sugar at two weeks of age. Obviously the pediatrician isn't too concerned about keeping children completely away from the stuff since it was her drug of choice. His little member was numbed and the "surgery" took about fifteen minutes. He screamed a couple of times and each time the doctor instructed me to squirt more sugar into his mouth. At one point he was particularly upset and, as I pressed the tube into his mouth, I said, "Do you need something stronger? A Costco cake, maybe?" The nurse and the pediatrician thought I was kidding*.

He survived the ordeal but he is a gigantic grump now. I feel like a total heel. Currently he is sleeping and making the most adorable coo sounds with each breath. And, okay, so I know this is completely politically incorrect but I want to eat him. He is just so deliciously chocolaty. I wanted to consume Garrett, too, when he was that age, but he didn't look like the finest milk chocolate. I am positively in love with his skin tone. Positively.

I kind of feel like I'm going to lose a lot of readers (which of the six of you is going to jump ship?) after talking about male appendages and circumcision and eating my African-American son. Please forgive me. It helps me keep my mind off of the ulcer I'm working on growing.

*Of course I was kidding but we Doozleberry's do like to self medicate with buttercream frosting.


  1. You are so freakin' funny....

    Michelle D

  2. It's good to read your humor again. This time I am crying but of laughter. I was also not given the opion of staying for the procedure. In fact they met me in the waiting room riped him out of my arms and left then came back with a screamer and said bye. It was very strange. So it's a plus for you guys that she didn't show up right. It's the case with other leagal stuff.

  3. Just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you all.
    & thanks for sharing the pictures. He is just beautiful - and Yours.

  4. You'll have to do a lot worse than this to keep me away. It is interesting to hear both yours and Troy's versions of events. Yours are definitely more entertaining. J

  5. hahaha this was an AWESOME post and I am not offended at all! :)


  6. He does have beautiful skin. Sugar water, huh? Who new.

  7. I wanted to let you know that I just found your blog a few days ago and have been praying for you.

  8. Your conversation with Troy made me laugh so hard!

  9. Isn't that sugar water thing fascinating? I didn't watch our son's circumcision, because I don't have a penis (trust me, there is some logic in there, but I don't have time to explain it). But I asked my ped the same question you asked yours, and he explained that babies are SO distracted by the sweet flavor, that they don't notice the cutting. In a minor fit of brilliance (that I'm sure some people would debate), I looked the stuff up online and bought a small stash. We used them on planes occasionally when my son was an infant. We'd do a quick binky dip upon landing, and he never had problems with his ears.

    That is my parenting tip of the day. Mother of the Year, here I come.

    You're in my prayers.

  10. I felt bad when Easton had his pee pee chopped too. His was in the Dr. office as well. They survive, hopefully you won't have to take him back to get it fixed three times like we did and its still not right.

    You are all in my prayers daily.

  11. Only the best buttercream will do.

  12. Wow you have a lot more readers then you thought =) I thought your post was very well done. my kids were both done at the dr's office and there was no way i was staying when i saw the table they had to strap them too. i am weak! good job for staying by Matthew's side!

  13. Re: Circumcision:

    Old Jewish joke: Jews are optomist: They take a little off before they know how big it will really get.

  14. mmmmm.... buttercream frosting.

    (a new pregnancy craving is beginning at this very moment.)

  15. I seriously tried to leave this comment THREE TIMES yesterday and every time I'd hit 'publish' it'd say I was disconnected.

    so either you've already heard this story three times or none at all and I'm annoyed but it's a VERY IMPORTANT STORY so I'm telling you.

    um. my friends were teasing me the other day about how much I like babies (not just how much I like them but how my voice raises three octaves when I talk about them and how I tell everyone every single thing a baby does as if it's a miracle: they wiggled their toes! THEY BLINKED!) and they were saying I'd be a really ridiculous mother and I said something like, 'yeah. I'll probably end up eating my baby'...

    and received some very odd (and judgmental!) looks.

    I am praying.

  16. I just love reading your blog, you are too funny. Little Matthew is too yummy and we continue to pray for all of you. What a funny little boy, Garrett is. :o)