Monday, June 23, 2008

Dental Discoveries

Troy and I, for the first time in our married life, just bought dental insurance. Last week my husband went to the dentist. When he came home I asked him what he thought. He told me that he liked him, that he didn't have any cavities, etc. Then he launched into the most ridiculous story.

Troy: You know the little utensil that spins around and grinds the gritty stuff onto your teeth during the cleaning.

Me: Uh huh.

Troy: They don't use that. Instead they use a baking soda concoction. They spray it on with this high pressure water thing.

Me: Really?

Troy: Yeah.

Me: Interesting. Did you like it?

Troy: Yeah. And they put Vaseline all over your lips and make you wear goggles and this dental burqa* thing with mesh over the eye holes.

And it's at this point that he starts laughing. See now I tell outlandish stories like this all the time. It's the drama queen inside of me. I just learned enough in all of my theatre courses to know that you don't start laughing well before your audience has bought the shtick. I merely rolled my eyes at him.

Me: I believed the high pressure water thing but Vaseline and goggles. Come on Troy, you need to at least try to make your stories sound valid if you want me to believe them.

Troy: (still laughing) What? You don't think they have a dental burqa?

Me: Um. No.

Troy: That would be funny though, right?

Me: You're weird.

My dentist appointment was today. Yesterday we were driving and Troy asked me if I was ready for the dental burqa. I glanced at him and said something about how maybe I would just waltz right in there and demand the dental burqa that my husband seems so enthralled with. You know, just to see the puzzled looks on their faces. He asked me to please not do that--he didn't want to look like a lunatic.

Today I had my teeth x-rayed and measured and picked at and then it was time for the little motorized toothbrush thingy to do its magic. The hygienist held a pair of goggles out to me. Oh my gosh. He's gone out of his way to pull one over on me. Where is the hidden camera? I took them tentatively. She then explained to me that this dentist prefers this innovative high pressure baking soda and water teeth cleaner. She called it something else. It had the word sand in it. I was listening but my mind was reeling as I tried to figure out whether or not this was an elaborate joke and, either way, how Troy had totally pulled one over on me by telling me the truth and then making it sound like an absurd story. She explained that it was like microderm abrasion for my teeth. So on went the goggles. On went the Vaseline. On went the dental burqa!

When I got home Troy asked me how I liked the burqa.

Me: Very funny. I did think about asking them for it though, just to see what they would say.

Troy: (As his eyes narrow just slightly) Oh stop it. Seriously. How'd you like it?

Me: Let it go Troy. They use the spinny cleaner just like every other dentist.

Troy: WHAT? Did they give you a choice?

Me: No--seriously, Troy, let it go. Stop lying.

Troy: I'M NOT LYING! They made me wear a washcloth thing with mesh eyes. And goggles!

Me: Yeah. Okay.

Troy: I'm serious! Are you sure they didn't use blasting water and baking soda and a dental burqa?

Me: Well I think I'd remember something like that.

I changed the subject and walked out of the room. A few minutes later I walked back in.

Me: So when they busted out those goggles I thought, "Oh he got me good!"

Troy: Ha! They DID do it! I knew you were lying. Well, I mean, I thought you were. Probably. But then you just kept going with it. I was gonna call the dentist and make them tell you they have it. I wasn't going to wait another six months to prove it to you.

So today we both effectively pulled one over on other. It's pretty much what our marriage is built on. In our wedding vows we probably should have said that we promised to love, honor, cherish and mess with each other. You have to stay on your toes around here.

*It should be noted that the dentist does NOT refer to the washcloth mesh eye hole thingy as a burqa. That is the name that Troy christened it with.


  1. Hahahahha...that is funny. Seriously, I was sitting here, all alone, laughing out loud to myself.

  2. that's right! it wasn't until '92 that the summer/winter games were split. i have almost no memories of the winter games...except of watching downhill skiing in a hospital waiting room as my dad visited his patients. and i almost always make time for the women's figure skating short program.

    i'm really sorry you won't be able to see swimming. i would offer to record it for you but i don't have the capacity to do it. are there really no tv's where you will be?

  3. Oh that is awesome! It's been too long since Troy (mine) and I messed with each other. We should probably start working on that. It's the foundation of a good marriage.

    On another note, what dentist do you go to? I've never heard of that kind of thing.

  4. Poor Garrett will never know when to believe you guys. He'll tell his little friends all about something, only to find out it's not really real. Or...his friends will want to hang out at his house all the time because you guys are so much fun. J