Saturday, June 1, 2013

In Which I Behave Like Dream Lori

You know those dreams where you're charged with some sort of mundane task and, for the life of you, you simply cannot get it done? Like, you're just supposed to get out the front door but, for some reason, dream you is just standing there worrying about getting out the door and not actually doing anything to accomplish that action?

I totally had one of those two nights ago.

And then I lived it out yesterday.

Not like the dream, mind you. In the dream I woke up two hours late and both my kids had missed important things at school. I was frantically trying to get them out the door and to their respective activities as if I could somehow reverse time and if I just got them there late everything would be fine.

Thankfully that level of completely irrational thinking didn't really happen.

Today is our Women's Spring Tea at church. Yesterday, I left my house at 5:00 pm to help decorate the venue. On my way over, via phone call, I found out that one of our hostesses--who was actually doing two of the five tables and bringing a large portion of the food--was unable to make it because of a personal issue. We went into scramble mode and ended up with me and another team member deciding to hostess tables. I needed to run an errand and decided to just get mini muffins and finger sandwiches while I was out.

The errand was supposed to take roughly 20 minutes. 

Two and a half hours later, I finally made it back to the church.

Because nothing went my way and it was like God spoke down from the heavens, "Hang on, sister. This is going to be one huge test in patience!" For your information, I did not pass the exam. At one point I very nearly burst into frustrated tears. There also might have been a bad word muttered under the breath. I am a pastor's wife. I will neither confirm or deny.

I started out at Harmon's where I waited for approximately twelve minutes to ask if they had other bubble balloons because all they had out were for birthdays or baby showers. They did not have others. They also did not have mini muffins or small sandwiches.

I hopped into the car--headed for another Harmon's--and realized I was in desperate need of gas. This is where I made the horrible decision to go to Costco. I figured I could get the gas and the food in one stop, adding only a few minutes to my trip. It was this decision that really derailed the entire evening. Costco was a zoo. It took me about ten minutes to get gas. Then, I wandered the store for ten more thinking that, for sure, I'd seen mini muffins there before. The tray of pinwheel sandwiches was $29.99 and, while this was way too much for what I actually needed, I didn't care. I was getting something for my extra trip. I grabbed the pinwheels and walked to the front where I discovered that each line had approximately 411 people in it. I spun on my heels and put the sandwiches back.

I drove to the Harmon's by my house. On my way, I had another team member call someone else and ask if she could bring more sandwiches. She was able to and I felt my very first measure of success. They had the correct balloons but the line had a zillion people in it. I stood. And waited. And waited. When I got to the front of the line, the lady told me it would take her about ten minutes to get them ready for me. This seemed strange to me but my degree is in Theatre, not Balloon Filling so who am I to judge? She told me to browse the store for awhile. 

So I found mini muffins.

Then I went back. The woman behind the counter stared at me blankly. "I...had...the...balloons," I said, hoping to trigger a response.

"Oh. Yes. I've been waiting to ask you if you need them tied together or tied separately?" So right then I almost spontaneously combusted because of all the LET'S NOT SEND SOMEONE AWAY UNTIL WE KNOW THAT WE KNOW WHAT WE NEED TO KNOW, YOU KNOW?

But I didn't. I held my pieces together. Barely.

By the time I left second Harmon's with the balloons and the muffins I was feeling horrible for how long I'd been gone. I had absolutely not helped get the church set up in any way, shape or form. While in Harmon's, I'd talked to someone at the church who said they were all leaving and finishing up tomorrow. I'd completely missed everything which is bad form. Especially when you're the head of the team.

At this point I was less than five minutes from my house so I just decided to go home and get all the stuff I'd need to decorate my table. Also, I discovered that my dog is going deaf because I got right up to him, thinking he'd died, and had to yell his name before he ever knew I was there. Gathering my things looked a little something like this...

"I need a centerpiece." Turn frantically in all directions before scooping up what was already serving as the centerpiece for my own table. "I need a small gift for each person." Run upstairs and improvise with a bunch of votive candles I was planning on burning for my ownself but what the heck, there were eight of them. Well, actually, there were seven, but I had another one that looked enough like the others to pass as the weird cousin that no one likes to claim. I had seven tea cups and seven salad plates in the cupboard.

Not three days ago, Garrett broke the eighth tea cup. He was holding it in his hand and, quite suddenly, the cup just sort of fell off the handle. I was standing right there. We were both completely bewildered. As for the eighth salad plate, I have no idea what became of it. Thankfully, the set we have services twelve. We just keep a fourth of it in the garage because our dinner table seats six so we've never had a dinner party for twelve. I ran into the garage. I'd just cleaned out the garage THAT VERY DAY and had not remembered seeing my spare dishes. Where were they?

I'd been gone forever at this point. 

This was getting ridiculous. Thinking about all the RIDICULOUS made me go into some kind of shock where I couldn't think properly or move correctly and I realized that, HEY! This is JUST like my dream. I am having a total failure to respond.

Finally I found them.

I headed back to the church, threw everything on my table, lamented that it is, by far, the least exciting table, attached all the balloons, and headed to my husband's softball game. Two and a half hours had passed since I first left the church.

Not a whole lot was accomplished.

At one point I thought to myself, "This is just another dream. Right? I'm going to wake up and the hostess will still be hostessing and I'll be decorating the church and all will be well. WAKE UP! WAKE UP!" But, no such luck. It was really happening. Everything I tried to do took approximately twenty minutes longer than it was supposed to.

So I'm going to put the final period on this post, dress up in my tea attire, and head to the church. Probably all the balloons will have floated to the roof, all the food will have somehow spoiled, and all the tables will have inexplicably fallen over, shattering all the dishes. Because nothing would surprise me at this point.

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