New Kids On The Block

Rule #942 of parenthood: Do not leave your child momentarily unattended in the highchair with ketchup. It doesn't matter if there is only a small dab, surrounded by chicken nuggets, on a large plate, the child will still manage to get it on every inch of the tray and in each ear and nostril.


Okay, so I'm sure I'm not the only one who's heard about the NKOTB comeback. I also trust that I am not the only person who finds this more than a little absurd. Oh don't get me wrong, I was a New Kids On The Block fanatic when they really hit the scene back when I was, you know, eight years old. I was rocking the side ponytail and the double neon socks with the best of 'em back in those days. I had all the songs on the Hangin' Tough album memorized and this fact severely degraded my hairbrush and the full length mirror on my closet. I fell out of love with my daddy and into love with one Joey MacIntyre. Although, to tell the complete truth, I knew that everyone my age loved Joey and, never wanting to appear the follower, I made a big deal about how everyone else could love Joey because I was in love with Jordan. My friends were cool with that, just as long as I didn't love Donnie or Danny because the former looked like a thug and the latter was clearly the missing link. So at night I stared at my poster and whispered into Joey's ear that if he asked me to marry him I would say yes. Then I looked at Jordan and informed him that, on the off chance Joey didn't want to marry me, he would do. After all, he was also extremely attractive and brooding. "But Jordan," I would say, "If Joey rejects me and we do get married, you will need to stop wearing your name on all of your shirts. It's getting weird." And let's not forget that on special occasions, when I got to sleepover at a friend's house, I packed my NKOTB overnight bag. Oh. Yes. I. Did.

So the problem with this reunion is that their fan base was comprised of females born between 1975 and 1983. So, given the fact that these women are all old enough for college degrees and many are probably married with children by now, we've all sold our bags and our albums at garage sales. In fact, we did so about sixteen years ago--a full two years before you even broke up--because we were kind of over it.

I read that the group will be releasing new music but that they would, of course, be performing the old stuff at their concerts. Really? Think you're going to be getting a high number of twenty-six year olds at your concerts? Do you think we'll show up with our hot pink shirts tied in a knot at the hip and our overnight bags on the off chance that Joey will ask one of us to marry him and we'll need a change of clothes for the trip to Vegas?

Honestly, I'm fine with them producing new music, they sounded fine back in the early nineties and Joey's been on Broadway so I'm willing to accept that they can still sing. The problem is they are still referring to themselves as a Boy Band. Let's call a spade a spade here, okay? They're a Man Band. Oldest member, Jonathan Knight will turn 40 later this year for crying out loud. And youngest member, Joey MacIntyre, who we're maybe supposed to still be referring to as JoeyMac these days, will be 36. Don't get me wrong, I think it's good for them if they successfully market themselves in the same way they did during the previous century. If stores start selling them as dolls again, and little girls start buying them, more power to NKOTB. Although, I might submit that they be referred to as Old Men On The Block (no offense to my mid-thirties husband. I mean, he's not running around yapping about how he's got the right stuff and saying he's in a boy band). It'll just be really interesting to watch it all play out. In six months I'll probably be posting the lyrics to some new song they've written and wishing I'd never gotten rid of that darn overnight bag.

Although it must be said, before I go, that Jordan Knight is still pretty attractive. I don't even think I'm going out on a limb here when I say that he is, indeed, the hottest OMOTB member. Sorry Joey, but you're just not fifteen anymore and you also never asked me to marry you which was very selfish on your part. Very selfish, indeed. On the other hand, Jordan, I think we could have had something really special. If I wasn't married and you weren't married, well, we could at least discuss the option of you wearing a shirt with your name on it. I might even iron it for you. If you asked nicely and promised to sing Cover Girl whenever I asked.

Edited to add: Oh my gosh! I just went and watched a clip from the Today Show when the New Kids made the official announcement and, sure enough, there are bajillions of late twenty somethings standing outside, in the rain, screaming their full blown heads off. Wow.