Friday, January 18, 2013

Road Trip

Times are approximate.

5:30--Alarm goes off. I reach over to SHUT IT UP. It's too early. My eyes are glued tightly together. Why is this happening? Then I remember, oh yeah, it's road tripping day.

5:53-- I kiss my husband on his sleeping cheek. He actually wakes up enough to sit up and demand a kiss of the lip to lip variety. He manages to mumble something about my safety. Ah. He loves me.

5:55-- I promise my oldest child that I will try valiantly to wake him up when I get home. I tell him to give his brother a kiss for me when he wakes up and to lock the door behind me when I leave. Then I instruct him to crawl into bed with his daddy and go back to sleep once I'm gone.

6:00-- Christy picks me up. This road trip to Vegas AND BACK in one day thing. Yeah. We're totally ready to do. this. thang.

6:30-- A thermometer in Lehi says it's 10 degrees. It's still dark. There is frost forming on the back windows. We talk about cavities, church, dogs, kids, and a number of other things.

8:00 ish-- We stop to use the restroom. It's freezing. There's a petting zoo with a zebra. We feel sorry for a zebra standing in the snow in Utah when, clearly, zebras were made for African weather. A polar bear might have been a better idea. Except then they should definitely take the word "petting" out from in front of the word "zoo." We are back in the car in approximately four minutes. I discuss the fact that that simply does not happen with children.

10:15-- We stop at Cracker Barrel in St. George. I take my jacket off and leave it in the car. That sentence, the one I just wrote, won't happen in Salt Lake for another three months. I have eggs-in-a-basket on the side of my hashbrown casserole. YUM. HASHBROWN CASSEROLE. Christy uses a gift card and pays for me because she's super nice like that.

11:00-- We get gas. I drive to Vegas. 

11:56-- (Insert time change as I don't think it is actually possible to make it from St. George to North Las Vegas in 56 minutes without a race car.) When I can see the Stratosphere off in the distance, I call my brother-in-law. As I'm dialing I have a conversation with myself about whether or not Nevada is hands free. It probably is. I decide to chance it. I tell Christy that if a cop drives by I'll just pretend I'm holding my head up.  It's a good thing certain people (certain people, like my father) don't read my blog.

12:00-- We decide to meet Dan, who is on his way from San Diego to Vegas, in the parking lot at Excalibur. We're ahead of him by about an hour. We drive on to Excalibur, park, and decide to walk the strip. It is warm. I mean, not, like, hot, but perfectly, wonderfully warm. 

12:20-- A man tries to give us a discounted ticket to something. Under my breath, I say something about how we're only in Vegas for five minutes. We ignore him. He yells, "That's F*^k*d up!" WELCOME TO VEGAS!

12:30-- A man reaches out his hand to Christy and says, "Shake my hand. I'm a nice black man!"

12:31-- Someone tries to sell us a bottle of water.

12:32-- Someone else tries to sell us a different bottle of water.

12:40-- We briefly walk through MGM.

12:41-- We see a ventriloquist. I stop to watch him for a moment. He says something and moves the dummy's mouth. Except that I thought it was the guy saying something to the dummy because his mouth moved. A lot. He wasn't a very good ventriloquist. Not that I'd be any better. But then, I'm not trying to make money with my ventriloquism on the strip in Vegas.

12:42-- We see a man painted gold pretending to be a statue. I get slightly annoyed with him because I can totally see him breathing and EVERYONE knows that statues don't breathe.

12:43-- A human Hello Kitty tries to get us to take a picture with her.

12:44-- We duck quickly into the M&M store. We browse the overpriced M&M store for awhile. We discuss the fact that $12.99 is an awful lot for a pound of M&Ms. I don't care if they are pale purple and teal and forest green. I don't care if you can't find them in hot pink at your local Walmart. $12.99 for a pound of M&Ms is ridiculous. Still, we each buy two pounds for the trip home.

12:45-- Just kidding. We totally didn't buy any M&Ms.

12:49-- I get a text from Dan that they are getting close. We decide to saunter back toward Excalibur.

12:52-- A large man wearing a feathery purple bra on top of his clothes--among other things--starts talking to us. We try not to make eye contact with him. He calls Christy "short." He ignores me. I thank God for small miracles.

12:59-- We decide to use the restroom in New York, New York before buying Starbucks because we don't want to take said beverage in with us. No matter, there were totally cup holders in the stall. We should have known.

1:02-- Christy buys me Starbucks--again, because she's super nice like that. I offer to buy both of ours. I offer to buy just mine. She refuses both offers and insists on paying.

1:15-- My brother-in-law, his mom and dad and my niece and nephew, pull up to our car. They tumble out of their van. And then...

the-whole-entire-reason-we-took-this-road-trip hops out.

That's Winnie. She's my friends' new puppy. She's my dog, Beck's, grandpuppy. She's also super cute. In the event that you couldn't tell.

2:00-- We get back on the road after hanging out with the family in the middle of the Excalibur parking lot. I drive. Christy snuggles her new puppy. I have a hard time keeping two hands on the wheel. My right hand keeps wanting to wander over and pet the softest puppy of maybe ever. She sleeps in Christy's lap. She's an angel. I tell Christy that she's using up all of her good behavior and she's going to be Hades on four legs at 2:00 am.

5:20-- (Again, with a time change) The puppy bolts upright and begins to whine, cry, and wiggle. I promise her that in eight miles we'll stop and let her out.

5:27-- We stop in Cedar City. Winnie encounters snow. She shakes violently. I walk her over to an area of the parking lot that, amazingly, has sawdust scattered. She climbs onto my shoes to avoid the snow. Apparently we've got another San Diego girl on our hands. I know how she feels. She gets off my feet. She makes puppy number one. Clearly, she also has to have an experience with number 2. But she won't put all four paws down. She'll only do two or three at a time. Finally, she manages to get it all taken care of. She jumps around for a few minutes, her giant ears flopping as she runs. Christy and I take turns using the restroom.

5:40-- We feed Winnie on the floor of the car. We pull out of Cedar City. When Winnie's finished, I pick her up and snuggle her. I kiss her. I bury my face in her soft fur. I talk to her in a high pitched voice. I'm not sure where the voice is coming from. She climbs up and obstructs my view. I'm not driving. In case you were wondering.

9:00 ish-- We pull into my driveway. I assure Christy that she can shove me out and continue on her way to introduce her family to their newest member. She tells me that she wants my boys to see Winnie.

9:01-- Winnie gets an adorable chunk of snow stuck to her adorable nose. Still, she opts to relieve herself on the concrete where there is no snow. It's very likely the same choice I would have made.

9:01.42-- We knock on my front door. Troy comes to the door, very excited to meet the little furball. 

9:02-- Beck comes up. He is very excited to meet his grandpuppy.

9:02.30-- Matthew runs out of his bedroom. He quickly darts back in. I tell him that he can come see the puppy. He instantly and completely falls in love with her.

9:05-- I put the puppy on top of a very sleepy Garrett. He mumbles, "She's cute." Then he falls quickly back to sleep. In the morning the only recollection he has of this event is that the puppy's toenails scratched him. He wants desperately to see her.

9:07-- Winnie chases Matthew. He pets her, holds her, rolls around with her and generally decides that she is his forever. Except she's not. She belongs to our friends. Christy takes her home to meet the family.

9:45-- I decide that I am WAY too tired to take a shower. I climb into bed and fall asleep.

7:45-- I wake up. It takes me a minute to figure out why I smell like puppy. The events of yesterday come back quickly. I get up and take a shower. It's a very cute thing when a puppy smells like a puppy. It's entirely not when a full grown adult smells like one.

So how did you spend your Thursday?

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