Thursday, June 25, 2015

On Dogs and Delusional People

Here's the deal. We wouldn't be talking about getting a new puppy if it wasn't for the fact that it's summer. Beck was our sweet baby and he's in a box on my mantel with an old ball and his collar resting on top. I know. This is exponentially weird. Last night I told my husband that I missed Beck's bad gas. His GAS, PEOPLE. Loving a dead pet makes you think all kinds of crazy things and I am sure to lose at least half my followers for the gross offense of even mentioning dog farts. And they smelled horrible. But now they're gone forever. Excuse me while I go cry some more about missing my old dog's disgusting digestive system. So, you see, I should not even be thinking about a new dog while I am in this altered mental state. But our boys will soon be out of school and since they're on year round, they only get six weeks off. They should enjoy their new pup while it's warm and they're not stuck in a classroom. Plus, I do NOT want to try to train a puppy in the rain/wind/sleet/hail/snow of autumn and winter...and spring.

So we turned to KSL which has a classifieds section for Utah and Idaho. Sure, there are plenty of legit, NOT ABSURD, less hysterical ads for dogs that a regular family living on a regular sized paycheck could afford. But those aren't gut-busting hilarious. I wish there was a comment section where I could make snarky statements but, as there is not, I decided to bring the ads over here for your enjoyment.

First, an explanation. Why was I up past midnight as is evidenced by the time posted on the screenshot from my phone? I HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA. I get distracted. I sidetrack myself and then suddenly it is midnight and I'm still not asleep. AND THEN, ALMOST AS SUDDENLY, IT IS 7:00 AM AND I AM SAD ABOUT THE POOR CHOICES I MADE THE NIGHT BEFORE. 

First, I present you with Gunner. Gunner is a champion show dog imported from Hungary! He's not available for purchase for $1,500 though. No. That's how much it costs to use him as a stud. To put this into perspective, when we bred Beck (who was AKC registered), we were paid $450. Gunner commands more than triple that price!

You guys! Gunner might have the very best pedigree in all the world but Gunner is still JUST A DOG. His puppies will look a lot like the puppies you can find in any backyard in any state in this beautiful country (or Hungary). He will die in a handful of years and no one will remember his pedigree. The ad goes on to state that (and I'm sure I've never once used this word on my blog before) Gunner's fresh OR frozen semen can be shipped through a reproductive veterinarian. Oh my. Poor Gunner. Gunner wants to run and fetch and roll around in the mud. I'm going to go out on a pretty sturdy limb and say that he does not want to hang out with a reproductive veterinarian behind a closed door with copies of Pethouse and Playdog.

It's highly likely that by the end of this post my husband will have lost his job on account of his wife's questionable blog material. It's also possible that my blog will now pop up when people google gross subject matter.

Moving on.

Do you know what a Golden Doodle is? It's a mixed breed. A highly intelligent, generally compliant, specifically bred, mutt. We've very strongly considered getting a golden doodle. Made up of a poodle and a golden retriever, doodles are all the rage. Often, they don't shed which is a real bonus. They're often smaller than golden retrievers. They still love water. They're great. And cute. But they are mixed breed dogs.

So, with that being said, perhaps you can understand my confusion...

$1800 for a dog resulting in cross breeding? What the? I can't even...I just...what? In my opinion, all doodles are overpriced as they command more money than pure bred retrievers and pure bred poodles but that doesn't mean I wouldn't consider buying one if for no other reason than LESS DOG HAIR=HOORAY! But $1800 for a puppy that is going to grow up and eat you out of house and home and then die taking your heart with it? I don't think so.

But if y'all thought that was overpriced.

This one just about kills me.

So wait just one second. Your dog, the one you have, presumably, raised from a puppy, is RETIRING FROM YOUR BREEDING PROGRAM AND IS NO LONGER OF USE TO YOU AND SO YOU WOULD LIKE SOMEONE TO PAY YOU $2,500 FOR HER? Am I the only one who thinks this is not only delusional but also cruel and greedy?

The dog is FIVE. The dog, based on the average golden lifespan, has about five to seven years of life left. That breaks down to roughly $400 a year just to own her. She is house trained (most goldens by age FIVE are), crate trained (good for her), a therapy dog with champion bloodlines (all good things but you can't do anything about those champion bloodlines because she's retired from breeding), loves the water and to fetch a tennis ball (SHE IS A GOLDEN! So...duh).

I feel SO sad for poor Berkley. If I had $2,500 just lying around, I would buy her and love her and show her that some people like dogs just because. Not because of the money they can make off her womb. I certainly wouldn't discard her (for an exorbitant price) because she was retiring from my breeding program.

This next one, well, I thought it was a typo.

But then it turned out to not be. For FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS, these bulldogs had better plan on getting the boys to school, keeping my house clean, and bringing me breakfast in bed. Also, my husband has requested the occasional massage. I don't care if the blood pumping through their veins is liquid gold or if they are actually famous circus performers, THEY ARE DOGS. Correct me if I'm wrong but a $100 shelter dog and a $4,000 bulldog both sniff butts, right? 

On the other hand, if I bought one of these and bred it twice a year, my husband wouldn't have to work.*

Finally, there's this which, I mean, has to be a typo. Right?

The ad does state that this guy comes with a crate and a brush! Perhaps the crate is made out of precious gemstones?

*Breeding your dog twice a year is NEVER recommended and, as previously stated with poor Berkley the golden retriever, I would never buy a dog for her womb.


  1. Just.... Don't ever ask me how much I paid for puppy Brutus. Who is a purebred and all that even though we fixed him ASAP. Even though he was just as much a pain in the rear as a puppy chewing holes in our carpeting and devouring my flip flops (always just the left one) as any old affordable dog. But he was trapped in a horrible mall pet store and if I didn't take him he was doomed to be adopted by some ninny of a person who didn't know the first thing about Shiba Inus and their ability to be pains in the rear and their propensity to run away all the time and he would have ended up run over dead or surrendered to a shelter for hopelessly untrainable dogs and I just couldn't allow it. They did take 30% off his original pure bred price tag, which originally involved one of the more reasonable numbers you mention above, but like I said, I paid way to much for him because I just had to rescue him from that pet store and certain doom! (Also he came to us before children, which meant our frivolous waste of money was at least a tiny bit more forgivable.)

  2. Sounds totally valid. Mall pet stores are sad and those pups should be rescued! As long as he wasn't 30,000 dollars. (Unless he came with a brush and a crate.)

  3. I'm thinking maybe the $30,000 dog was a 'you better get rid of that dog, I don't care how much you love it!' No risk of anyone actually buying your dog at that price.