Monday, November 10, 2014

On Becoming Psychopants

The next day, I fasted and prayed that my email would be received in the spirit in which it was intended. I was worried sick and, at one point, I laid myself face down on the floor and prayed. I asked for the Lord's will and, though I'm only now disclosing this to even my own spouse, I felt the presence of the Lord. "They will wait..." I will confess, I was so afraid that I was making it up because it's what I wanted. Suddenly. Desperately. I wanted to kiss tiny fingers and smell a teensy head and cuddle three. I pictured my boys, softened by a baby. I imagined all the good things.

Suddenly, though, a peace washed over me. I knew, regardless of what happened, if we truly sought the Lord's will, doors would open and close clearly. 

The next morning, I still hadn't heard anything back. And I was becoming a legit psychopants. (Also, I might rename this blog. Ramblings of a legit psychopants.) I was driving myself nuts with the frequency at which I was checking my email. I decided that while my prayer and fasting the day before was biblical and good, it was time to stop my own madness. I went on an Internet fast. I checked my phone before I took the boys to school and I refused to look at it until I picked Matthew up from kindergarten. It was very big of me. Several hours without checking my email!!! You have no idea the sacrifice. Every time I thought of picking up my phone or opening the computer, I prayed. (Let me tell you, I think of email a lot more than I think of food. I'm sure that's not a good thing but it is what it is.)

Once I arrived home with Matthew, I sat in the garage and checked my email. THE DIRECTOR HAD READ MY EMAIL AND WANTED TO TALK TO ME! I held my breath for a few hours. She called me later that day and completely understood our hearts and where we were coming from! They were willing to wait until after the mother had an ultrasound!!! I felt a huge sense of relief rush over me. I knew that God would show us our answer.

Several days passed.

I found out that the ultrasound was scheduled for Thursday, November 6. However would I wait that long? I was thinking about it, dreaming about it, focusing on it so much. I very much believed that God had called me, that day long ago, to a daughter and I hoped this baby was a girl and that her mother would want to choose us. I mentally prepared myself, to the best of my ability, to hear either gender. We waited...

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