Why I Got An Education

Dear Elementary School,
Thank you so much for teaching me basic math skills. It might be one of my worst subjects, I might hate it, in fact, but thank you, nonetheless for saving me from dilinquency.
Sincerely,
Lori

The following actually occured. I promise. My friend Joelle (of PLNU caf fame) came up to visit me yesterday and we had lunch...er...breakfast in the afternoon...at the Ramona Cafe. We got the exact same thing. The bill came to $13.47 and I approached the counter with my ten dollar bill and Joelle's two fives. I hand the money to the girl working the register and say, "There's fifteen for the bill and if I could get five ones with the other five please." Knowing full well that I cannot evenly split a five dollar bill between Joelle and myself.
Something about initially paying the bill is fundamentally complicated for this poor unfortunate soul because she yelps, "Oh shoot!" And then preceeds to ask me how much change she owes me. "Is it .43 cents?" She asks. I'm confused because I know she owes me a dollar and some change. Then I realize that she's got the dollar bill in her hand already so I say, "Oh. Yah." But I only say this because she's got me all backwards and sideways. Three seconds later I manage to say, "Oh no. Actually you owe me a dollar and 53 cents." This sends the poor girl into a total tailspin. I swear she didn't believe me but she finally decides to just part with her beloved dime. Why it wasn't showing up somewhere exactly what she owed me is actually beyond my comprehension but whatever. So...then...
She hands me six ones, my fifty-three cents, and my five dollar bill. And I consider keeping the five for a couple seconds. But, alas, it would be cursed money. I'd probably use it to buy gas and my car would explode or something. So I hand her back the five and say, "This is yours." Utter bafflement streaks across her angelic little face. "Is this for the tip?" She asks. Now I'm starting to get confused. Maybe she really does know what she's doing and I'm the moron. "No. I gave you a five and you gave me five ones." She stands there. Complete confusion. I turn and walk away. I sit back down and calculate the entire event in my mind, making sure I have the correct amount of money. Joelle promises me that I do.
"Hey, I think this is your tip." I hear her tell the waitress. "This girl just gave me this extra five dollar bill and I don't know what it's for." (And that was only the start of it. She ended up rehashing the entire event with the waitress and still not figuring out what the heck had happened).
Seriously. For real? I would have tried explaining it all again but I was laughing too hard.