I couldn't remember when it was that I thought God had revealed to me that we'd have a daughter. I've scoured prayer journals and not found it. It was almost as if the secret was too big to write down. As though putting it in print would somehow ruin it. I couldn't remember that I'd ever blogged so much as a word about it. I was just looking for something else on my blog though and I discovered this post, written on May 8, 2013.
HELP ME FIND IT
It was probably a year ago.
I was in prayer, about what I don't remember. I simply (and not so simply at all) felt Him speak into my soul. It had nothing to do with what I was saying and I felt thrown. My eyes flew open and I stared at the wall. Asking for clarification, I got nothing in return. Just a five word sentence that, if truly from the Lord--and not down deep in the crevasses of my own mind--would change everything.
And it wasn't something I wanted.
Not at that moment. Maybe not ever. My world was turning just fine and this promise seemed impossible.
"When?" I asked because a time table seemed necessary.
That's how God is with me. "Hang on, you little control freak. Chill out. Live a little without knowing a lot." Because I am mostly convinced that, in Heaven, I'm referred to as "The Little Control Freak" and whenever that moniker is uttered, the angels (and probably Peter) nod because they know exactly who He's talking about. And also, sometimes I think God is Hawaiian and He wants me to take off my watch, burn my calendar and wiggle my toes in the sand for a few minutes.
I've spent a year wondering if it was truly from God, weighing whether to speak it aloud or wait on it, and then contemplating what to do about it. Because sometimes He tells us something and we really need to take action. If He called me to be a nurse I wouldn't sit around and wait for a degree to come ring my doorbell. But sometimes He tells us something and all we have to do is wait for Him. Sarah conceived and bore the child of promise but not until after she took matters into her own hands, threw her handmaiden at her husband and screwed a lot of things up.
I don't want to be Sarah. But I understand her desire to rush the blessing because now...
It is something I want.
But only if it's really from God. Only in His timing. Only if He reveals the exact same thing to my husband because we're in this thing together.
Discerning the Lord's will and discerning His timetable aren't always the easiest things.
The other night I was driving alone. I prayed that God would give me clarity. I switched on the radio and I heard the Sidewalk Prophets singing, "If there's a road I should walk, help me find it. If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment. Whatever Your will, whatever Your will, can You help me find it?" I'd never heard the song before and I suppose you can accurately guess that I burst into tears.
Just the day before, I had been reading Angie Smith's book, What Women Fear and I came to a section where she was talking about conquering our fears. She writes, "Trust me, daughter. I have beautiful things in store for you..." Then, just a few sentences later she says, "I don't want to miss it, Lord..."
And so. Here I am. Waiting on the Lord. Calling out His name. Drawing ever close in prayer and hoping for revelation. If He leads me through it without calling me to it, nothing much will change. And if He calls me to it, there will be fear and second guessing. But there will be blessing.
And oh how I don't want to miss it.
It's easy to live in fear when you've been through a messy adoption. The list of what-ifs is long and scary. It would have been easier to say, "No, Lord, I can't do this again. It's just much too risky. It's too crazy. It's not my plan." I was within one second of deleting that email on October 18. You guys, I almost missed it.
He called me to it more than two and half years ago. I asked Him to make it evident and obvious. I almost missed it. He made this one so clear that to have turned away would have meant that I learned nothing from the book of Jonah. When God calls us to something it is nothing short of sin to walk away from it. Even if it seems risky. Even if it seems outrageous. Even if it seems impossible. And still, I almost missed it.
I am so thankful that He halted my finger in mid air as it hovered over the delete button. I am so thankful that He threw every door open before we even twisted the doorknob. I am so thankful that He didn't let me miss it.