Interview. Garrett. 14.

I always ask my kids a series of questions on or near their birthdays.
Here are Garrett's as a 14 year old.

1. What is your favorite T.V. Show? Man v. Wild

2. What did you have for breakfast? Eggo Waffles
3. What do you want to name your future son? I don't know. I asked him, "What is a boy name you like?" I like John. I like Troy. I like all sorts of stuff.
4. Favorite Food? Snow Crab (Same as last year and the year before that and the year before that.)
5. What food do you dislike? Mushrooms. (Same as last year.)
6. What is your favorite color? Light blue.
7. Favorite lunch? Pizza.
8. What is your favorite thing to do? Go camping or fishing.
9. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? Germany.
10. Favorite sport? Baseball.
11. What do you want to name your future daughter? I honestly don't know. I asked, "What is a name you like for a girl?" Kaylee.
12. Are you a morning person or a night person? Whatever I need to be.
13. Pets? I have a dog. (We just had yet another hamster die. Poor kid.)
14. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? We're going on vacation in a week.
15. What do you want to be when you grow up? Army Ranger.
16. What is your favorite candy? 3 Musketeers.
17. Where is the farthest place you've ever been from home? Israel.
18. What is your favorite book? Probably Guts and Glory: The American Civil War.
19. What are you most proud of? Being tough.
20. What is your favorite movie? Black Hawk Down
21. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The chicken.

And, for fun, I asked him the same questions that James Lipton asks at the end of Inside the Actor's Studio.

1. What is your favorite word? I love the word food. (Spoken like a true teenage boy.)
2. What is your least favorite word? Weeds. (Also spoken like a true teenage boy.)
3. What turns you on? (I rephrased with, "What do you like?") Life
4. What turns you off? (I rephrased with, "What don't you like?") Injuries
5. What sound or noise do you love? Gun shots. (OH. MY. WORD. I clarified that this was a noise he loved and he was like, "Yeah. They sound awesome. Oh dear.)
6. What sound or noise do you hate? Styrofoam. 

7. What is your favorite curse word? Well, I shouldn't like bad words. A lot of times, I would like to call people a jack ass. (Oh, me too, Son. Me too.)
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Marine biologist.
9. What profession would you not like to do? Sewage plant worker. (Ew. I second that.)

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? (I omitted the "If Heaven exists" part)? Welcome. Or, Welcome, Garrett. If He's using our earth names in Heaven.

Letter to Four-Year-Old Will

Dear Four-Year-Old,

I'm sorry I'm writing this a month late, as though I forgot it was your birthday. It's true that, half the time, when I have to tell someone your birthday I get I tongue tied and mix up the date with your dad's or shout out the wrong year but I absolutely do know when it is. It's just that I didn't write because your grandparents were here and then Garrett's appendix exploded and he spent five nights in the hospital and then baseball finally started up and life happened and I kept needing to sit down and write and suddenly it was a month later.

Third child. I'm sorry.

Although, in actuality, if you had the energy of a regular child and not the intense energy of a blazing supernova, I might have more time. The truth is, I almost never write anymore and my reading pile continues to grow. I have good intentions to read and write. There's just little follow through.

I don't even know where to begin with this year. A year ago, we had just found out we were picking up our whole entire lives and hauling them over the river and through the woods to Dallas, Oregon. You still ask when you can go back and see your old house on Sunflower. Even though the street we lived on was called Starflower. It breaks my heart. I can also see you holding on to vague memories of people the way I try to reach for the contents of a dream as I'm waking up. I grasp but it slips through my fingers like spider webs. You will recall a memory and give me great details, but you rarely remember names anymore. It breaks my heart to realize that, in time, most of Utah won't even be a memory for you.

You've got such a smart brain. You can learn things so quickly when you take a deep breath and concentrate on the task at hand. Covid-19 hit in March and preschool was canceled so I home schooled you. You learned all of your letters and their sounds in record speed. I'm so proud of you for starting to learn sight words now. You're working on numbers, days of the week, months of the year, seasons and so much more. When we do shapes, you can even name the rhombus, the pentagon and the hexagonal prism.

It's been such a weird year with the move and starting preschool and Covid hitting and shutting down your world for months and months. Finally, FINALLY, you had your first t-ball practice. I assume you're the youngest on the team and, of course, you're crushing the ball. It was evident tonight, however, that we need to work on base running. You would just take off and sprint in whatever direction you saw fit. I'm not surprised that you were making great contact because, at your own home, you can hit a pitch over the fence--and do. We've had to retrieve many a ball from a neighbor's yard.

We play together every day and it is so fun to watch your creative mind at work. Playdoh, the doctor kit, Lincoln Logs, the magnet board, the drill set, play food, and Legos are some of the favorites when we have our special play time together. Speaking of Legos, you will sit and build them for very long stretches. I am so thankful for Legos. My feet and my compulsion to have a decluttered home are not actually in love with Legos, however. I'm also thankful for Disney+ which has provided many distractions during these strange times of isolation.

You love fruit and we joke that we cannot buy grapes or berries of any kind because you will walk by all day, taking them by the gobs. I guess if you're going to be a little pig, at least you're a healthy little pig. You're certainly growing! You are now in the 82nd percentile for height and the 67th for weight. Standing at 42 inches tall, you are now able to ride every single thing at Disneyland except for the roller coaster and Indiana Jones and some other ride that no one cares about. I think it might be the swings. Naturally, now, all I want to do is take you to Disneyland. But I can't. Because Disneyland is closed. Stupid world pandemic.

Maybe next year.

This year, you told me that you wanted Jesus to be in your heart so that you could go up to Heaven some day. So we prayed. Your little voice committing, as much as a tiny kid can, to follow Jesus was the sweetest thing. I know it's a tiny child's faith and it will need cultivating and watering and teaching so that it can grow, but it's a start--the most important of starts.

I love you so much. I hope that in it all and through it all, when you look back, you can see that love measured in support and marked in ten minute increments, first/thens, and, "Great job, Wills!" I hope you can one day see my dedication to the shaping and forming of you. You are the embodiment of my answered prayer as you run around with underwear on your head.

All my love, always,
Mom

Interview With 4 Year Old Will

Interview with Four Year Old Will

1. What is your favorite T.V. Show? PJ Masks.

2. What did you have for breakfast? Waffles and sausage and strawberries.
3. What do you want to name your future son? Hudson. (His little baby cousin who he is desperate to meet someday.)
4. Favorite Food? Strawberries
5. What food do you dislike? macaroni and cheese if you put pepper on it. (Ok.)
6. What is your favorite color? Blue and yellow and green and purple and violet. All the colors.
7. Favorite lunch? Peanut butter.
8. What is your favorite thing to do? Swing on my new swing.
9. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? San Diego
10. Favorite sport? Baseball.
11. What do you want to name your future daughter? I wanna name her Hannah. (His cousin. Hudson and Hannah also have a sister named Hailey. I'm kinda sad that Will left her out in the naming game.)
12. Are you a morning person or a night person? A night person.
13. Pets? Only a dog. Not a cat. Because our cat ran away.
14. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? I like playing on my swing.
15. What do you want to be when you grow up? I want to be an astronaut.
16. What is your favorite candy? Caramel Crispie candy.
17. Where is the farthest place you've ever been from home? Oh when we're on a trip and we're just flying and then we landed at the airport. (Mkay.)
18. What is your favorite book? Little Blue Truck
19. What are you most proud of? About my family
20. What is your favorite movie? Onward
21. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The chicken

And, for fun, I asked him the same questions that James Lipton asks at the end of Inside the Actor's Studio.

1. What is your favorite word? Peanut Butter (He does say this word a lot. Like, always. It's almost as though he has a nervous tick.)
2. What is your least favorite word? He insisted on only making a sound. It was kind of like an extremely loud raspberry noise.
3. What turns you on? (I rephrased with, "What do you like?") flying
4. What turns you off? (I rephrased with, "What don't you like?") Peanut butter and jelly and pickles.
5. What sound or noise do you love? I love the chicken sound. Bagock!
6. What sound or noise do you hate? Loud yelling (Really? Because it's basically your default volume.)

7. What is your favorite curse word? Dumb
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? A police man
9. What profession would you not like to do? A firefighter.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? (I omitted the "If Heaven exists" part)? I would like for him to say, "Jesus there's a new Heaven boy who is coming in to Heaven." (I love that God the Father is talking to God the Son in this scene. And that Will is called Heaven Boy.)

Day 38

Coronavirus Home Isolation Day Who Even Knows Anymore? Day 38. I think. Why didn't I record what we were doing from the start? Maybe we'll open up the country again someday soon. We probably won't.

Today I interviewed Kaena Kekoa on Zoom with my class and a bunch of drama kids I know. And my own kids. And it was amazing. Such an incredible, humble, beautiful soul. It made me feel so happy to talk about theatre and Broadway tour life like it was normal, like the whole world hasn't shut itself up inside and lost everything that was good.

Then I helped Matthew with his online school and wrote up a lesson plan for next week's drama class.

And I chased the morning of work with a long solitary walk down to the aquatic center and back.

We ended the afternoon with a trip to a new part of the creek we hadn't been to before. There was a water fall and trees growing out of the side of the creek bank. I was reminded again how gorgeous this place is that we moved to eight months ago.

Dinner was quick and easy and I realized that I didn't have to get onto Will to stay in his seat. Small victories.

Now we're finishing the day with a family movie (minus Will who is already asleep).

Coronavirus...I solidly hate you.

Atonement

I don't know the last time I stayed home on Good Friday. It feels disconnected and disjointed. It feels, a little bit like I'm a disciple hiding, having run scared from the garden when my Lord was arrested. In years past, we have performed dramatizations or hammered a nail into a cross, metaphorically leaving our own sins there. We've joined together in worship. We've contemplated what the Savior did for us on that bloody, awful, beautiful tree.

And we will do that again, tonight. It will just look different.

It will look like my family taking communion together. A smaller gathering than we're used to. It will look like a bunch of disciples hunkered down, afraid. It will look and feel and seem weirdly broken.

But, perhaps, there is beauty in that. Maybe, even, I had gotten comfortable with the traditional way we acknowledge our Savior's execution. We use that word, crucify. We use it because that is the method by which He died. The criminals on the crosses next to Jesus were put to death for their crimes. But our Lord was perfect. There was not a single sin to speak of. And so, maybe, we will begin to connect to the awfulness of it all if we say what it was. An unwarranted execution.

Killed at the hands of Pilate and the Romans. Execution, called for by the Jewish leaders. Murder, by you and by me and our persistent sin.

But from the beginning, a plan. The way. The truth. The life. Jesus. Born to die that we might live.

That day, the land went dark. The earth shook. The veil tore. The rocks split. The blood ran red from the body of God the Son. Atonement. It is finished.

At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
On that beautiful, scandalous night you and me
Were atoned by His blood and forever washed white
On that beautiful, scandalous night


Or. A little more accurately...
At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
On that beautiful, scandalous day you and me
Were atoned by His blood and our sin washed away
On that beautiful, scandalous day

Interview with 11 Year Old Matthew

1. What is your favorite T.V. Show? Family Matters (An oldie but a goodie)

2. What did you have for breakfast? Eggo Waffles (Technically, my money only buys the store brand but we can call them Eggos if he wants to.)
3. What do you want to name your future son? Marcus (WOW! If I had a grandson named Marcus, I would be so relieved.)
4. Favorite Food? Hamburgers. But there's a certain type. McDonald's McDonald's hamburgers. (Oh dear.)
5. What food do you dislike? Cooked broccoli.
6. What is your favorite color? Well. Right now it's gold.
7. Favorite lunch? Snack lunch. (This is basically a cheap charcuterie board. In a muffin tin.)
8. What is your favorite thing to do? Play with friends.
9. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? Can you do a place that you've already gone? Yes. New York.
10. Favorite sport? Soccer.
11. What do you want to name your future daughter? McKenna.
12. Are you a morning person or a night person? I'm definitely night person.
13. Pets? Yeah. A dog. And a hamster. Well, that's not my pet, but...
14. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? I just got all my math done. (His definition of new and exciting is different than mine.)
15. What do you want to be when you grow up? An actor.
16. What is your favorite candy? Reese's Pieces.
17. Where is the farthest place you've ever been from home? Israel.
18. What is your favorite book? Wings of Fire and Jack & Louisa.
19. What are you most proud of? That I found an AR book with 9 points on it. (In all of his life, this is what he's most proud of? Eleven year olds confuse me.)
20. What is your favorite movie? Star Wars the Rise of Skywalker.
21. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The chicken. The egg had to be fertilized. (Well, okay then.)

And, for fun, I asked him the same questions that James Lipton asks at the end of Inside the Actor's Studio.

1. What is your favorite word? Abominable. I love saying the word abominable.
2. What is your least favorite word? Clean. Like...when I tell you to? Yes.
3. What turns you on? (I rephrased with, "What do you like?") Hanging out with family.
4. What turns you off? (I rephrased with, "What don't you like?") Going to school.
5. What sound or noise do you love? Geometry Dash music.
6. What sound or noise do you hate? When I'm in trouble and dad comes home and I hear the garage door start squeaking. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

7. What is your favorite curse word? Stupid. (He looked at me like he really wanted to say something else and then he went with this.)
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Acting.
9. What profession would you not like to do? Be a janitor.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? (I omitted the "If Heaven exists" part)? Welcome to Heaven.

Five

Five years seems...long. And so it is that I cannot understand why, in so many ways, it feels like it all happened this morning. Moving away was hard. So much harder than I thought it would be. I was sitting on my bed, staring out my window when my whole world shattered into a thousand pieces. So leaving that window, with that view that existed in the one moment everything changed was like leaving her there, in Utah. Even though she had never, ever been to Utah.

I thought here would, perhaps, be easier. Because no memory of her was ever here. Except that isn't true. We were here, in Oregon, when we found out she was a girl and she would be ours. And here, in Oregon, I am around little tiny girls much more often than I was in Utah. They are bouncing through our church, giggling together, being four or five. And in a way that is basically insane, my mind sees her among them almost always. A shadow, laughing and jumping, outrageous curls tied up on top of her head.

She would be five. We would be wrapping up preschool and thinking about kindergarten. She'd have her own room here and maybe it would be pink or purple or orange with blue polka dots. Who's to say? We don't know what she would have liked and what she would have hated. All that potential and opinion died with her.

I've been more aware of this date approaching than I was in the last couple of years. It has loomed on the horizon since just after Christmas. Why this year, I can't say for certain. Maybe because I'm writing it all down.

There are two parts to Kate's story. The Kate part and the Will part. But both of them really belong to her. He knows all about her. He knows she died inside their mother and, before he understood that she came first, he thought they were together--which is, strangely, how I often think about them because I simply cannot have one without the other. The first time he comprehended that she went to Jesus, he tenderly and quietly said, "I should have holded her in there so she did not die." And it broke my heart.

Then I thought about it. I imagined that womb and I thought about how he was in that exact same space. They were there, occupying the same place, one after the other. And he came to me, bringing the life and energy of two people--at least. Almost as though she left a part of herself there and he brought it to me.

I wrote her part. And it was cathartic and hard. I'm certain it'll never amount to anything but I wanted it for my children. In case I get hit by a bus before they're adults. Maybe, if they read it one day, they will be able to fully comprehend what she means to me. I think, perhaps, if they can grasp what Kate means--Kate who was mine such a short time--maybe they will be able to break through the surface of my love for them and realize there is no end to that ocean.

Kate,
I miss every moment I imagined we'd have together. The story I'm writing is for you, the girl God promised me. You are still changing me, still softening my edges, still teaching me things. I wish I could have "holded" you in there so you did not die. But I do not question the Author. He is still writing my story and you are such a big part of it. I love you, girl in the ground. And I love that your spirit soars on. Here's to five years being changed, again and anew, by the memory of you.

Love,
Mom